Montreal Doesn't Know What To Do With Scott Gomez, So Someone Put Him On Kijiji

Blair Charbonneau, via Kijiji

Someone in Montreal is trying to rid the Canadiens of Scott Gomez by selling him—or maybe just his place?— on Kijiji's Real Estate section. Specifically, the ad lists a one bedroom apartment, furnished, with a den.

The catch might be that the "Alaskan Mystery" comes with it. But if you're on the fence, you can get a free Jaques Martin too! Asking price? $29.99, which is still a bit much for damaged goods. On the plus side, the ad claims there are 6 or more bathrooms—so there's that. Unless by "bathrooms" you figure Gomez just shits anywhere he pleases—like he does on the ice.

Read the ad below, it was in French until Google Translate spat out...something... and I cleaned it up:

For quick sale, one Scott Gomez, 1978 

For quick sale, one Scott Gomez, 1978, with an injury to the upper body, somewhere between the eyebrows and pubis.

The Scott Gomez comes with hands of cement, concrete contract, a wooden leg and Madelaine Mariton skates, skates Mariton Madelon. [Apparently Madelaine Mariton is a reference to a French drinking song about this messed up, ailing, peg-leg woman—so, I guess you can see how this is relevant. -ed.]

An offer not to be missed! Buy now, pay now and keep paying it later.

That's not all! Buy Scott Gomez in the next 10 minutes and get a bonus package of sticks, a pack of cards and a pack of troubles.

Still not convinced?

Ok, here's my final offer: Buy one Scott Gomez and get, absolutely free, a 1952 Jacques Martin with a slight manufacturing defect: his ears grow 2 times faster than his hair and three times faster than his nose. The Jacques Martin comes with 45 overtime losses spread over three years and a leprechaun hat.

What luck!
*This offer is valid for as long as it takes.

http://montreal.kijiji.ca/c-real-estate-apartments-condos-1-bedroom-den-Pour-vente-rapide-un-Scott-Gomez-1978-W0QQAdIdZ336402265

Bruins’ Thornton Took Cup On Antiques Roadshow

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

BOSTON — Early last August, Bruins tough-guy and amateur antiquary, Shawn Thornton, was filmed with Hockey’s Holy Grail for a segment of Antiques Roadshow.

Thornton and several cousins travelled with the hardware to Stamford, Connecticut for the taping, where he awaited an appraiser’s estimate of his “big-shiny-metal-bowl.”

Thornton, in anticipation of the Stanley Cup’s market value had envisioned a better life for himself, one filled with “fancy chocolate truffles and shit.” A life where he wouldn’t have to scrap for scraps, namely the $825,000 he gets paid a year.

With Thornton’s family members not knowing what to do with their body parts and hovering nervously in the background, the appraiser carefully examined the trophy. Anxiety washed over the Boston enforcer.

Like all Roadshow guests he was compelled to spout a“believable” tale of how the cup had been passed down in his family for generations, starting from when Lord Stanley himself presented it to Thornton’s great great grandfather, Tobias, after he was recruited to dust-up Stanley’s ex-business associate. The appraiser saw right through it once he read the description on the bottom of the trophy: Replica, trademark Hockey Hall Of Fame, 1993. 

NHL Hockey, Hockey Net Blog, Back For 2012 Season

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net Blog

The NHL’s 2012 season is back and here to stay for as long as the Mayans and Roland Emmerich see fit. A fresh hockey season germinates, blooming into new false hopes for dead markets (Phoenix), unrealistic expectations (Toronto), and the sound of oxygen sucking as deflated Sharks fans begin to breathe again — how exciting! What more can we expect? Well, let’s take a look:

The sub-dwelling Flames have reclaimed their corpse-like position in the basement of the Western Conference with a comfortable 1-2 record — nothing like a good headstart.

After three games David Legwand is leading the league in scoring — could you imagine if...wait, no, don’t bother.

Which players will have their eyes rolled back and minds wiped etch-a-sketch style by blind-side hits this year? And how long will Crosby milk this concussion to sit at home and play NHL 12? 

Also: How many games will it take to run Craig Anderson out of Ottawa? Will Andrei Markov walk again? How will Canucks fans blame Luongo for the Sedin’s shortcomings? What’s the over-under on fires during Montreal riots? Oh the suspense!

Atlanta Thrashers — June 25, 1997 - May 31, 2011

[Click to enlarge]

It is with great sadness that we note the passing of the Atlanta Thrashers, defunct suddenly at the Phillips Arena, on Tuesday, May 31, 2011. The Thrashers were cherished by loving parents the Atlanta Spirit Organization until they realized the actual cost of raising a chronic problem-child and shipped it out to Winnipeg. The Thrashers were also the beloved siblings of the Lightning, Capitals, Panthers, and Hurricanes. Sadly, the Thrashers left behind approximately 12,000 children, who visited infrequently and often only because the Braves were shitty, or Michael Vick was imprisoned. They will be fondly remembered for drafting Patrik Stefan, a logo that looked like throw-up, and making the playoffs only once—despite playing in the NHL’s remedial division. The Thrashers were truly a precious gift to the league’s other 29 teams. Friends will be received at the MTS Centre at 300 Portage Avenue, Winnipeg where a bylaw-scoffing street party will blaze for weeks. As an expression of sympathy, in lieu of flowers donations to the Winnipeg season ticket drive would be greatly appreciated.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

Canucks fan lets Craigslist know he loves his wife, hates musicals.

Courtesy of Albert.

Single Ticket Canucks Game 2 section 313 - $450 (Vancouver)

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Date: 2011-05-27, 11:06AM PDT
Reply to: sale-zamqs-2406097258@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

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I have to sell my ticket to the Canucks game 2, section 313 row 14. Hard Copy ticket

I am unable to go because I have to go to a fucking piece of shit musical with my wife (whom I love). I had agreed to go, and since the NHL decided to make the most retarded schedule they could, I have to give up my ticket to the Stanley Cup Finals to see some piece of shit musical with some bitches singing about some crap I don't care about. It's a terrible seat, you will have a terrible time at the game, the beer tastes like crap and costs $10 each... Price is firm because I don't want to sell it.

e-mail me.