Colin Campbell’s email etiquette a growing concern

Campbell considers the human toll of a chain letter.
(Photo Source)

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

NEW YORK — NHL Vice President and Director of Hockey Operations, Colin Campbell, has come under fire from League Commissioner Gary Bettman and NHL players for his appalling email etiquette.

In a story that broke earlier this week, excerpts of Colin Campbell’s emails were published, exposing Campbell’s ignorance of, or contempt for, any sort of Internet etiquette. Individuals are now coming forward to discuss Campbell’s behaviour.

“It’s bad form, I’m embarrassed for him. You’d hope someone of [Campbell’s] distinction could adhere to the same standards of convention as the rest of us. Seriously, it’s not 1998,” said a disgusted Sean Avery.

Campbell’s publicized messages to players and administration were often exhaustively lengthy, riddled with typos, grammatical errors and other common emailing faux-pas. “It’s just all caps, all the time with him. He always says there’s an urgent matter to discuss, I head into his office assuming he’s furious, but then he only gives me two games,” explained the Capitals’ Alex Ovechkin.

Former NHLPA ombudsman Eric Lindros was also irked by the complete disregard for formality, citing Campbell’s continual misspelling of his name, “He’s always calling me ‘Lindrop’. C’mon, at least use Spellcheck before you hit send.”

Even Campbell’s own son, Gregory—a Boston Bruin, was mortified when his father accidentally “replied all” in a mass message carbon copied to all 690 NHL players. “It was humiliating, now the whole league knows I’m not allowed to attend Marc Savard’s birthday party,” commented Campbell.

The media has confronted Gary Bettman regarding the incidents, and inquired as to whether he was aware of Campbell’s unrefined communications skills. The commissioner stated he was “more than aware.”

“It’s like my grandmother just discovered the Internet. You wouldn’t believe the forwards I get. Every day my inbox is flooded with the dancing baby or ‘lolcats’— I’ve seen it already. Campbell’s a total noob,” Bettman vented, adding,

Bettman has instructed players and NHLPA personnel to report Campbell's messages as spam.

Flames address scoring, bring back Amonte, Bure

Sutter practices his Russian.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

CALGARY — Calgary Flames GM Darryl Sutter has decided to coax former Flames Tony Amonte and Valeri Bure out of retirement in the hopes of igniting some offense.

“We need goals and these guys were the best free-agents available,” explained Sutter to bewildered reporters at a press conference earlier today. “Amonte had eighty-four points in 2000 and Valeri is still Pavel Bure’s brother,” added Sutter.

Sutter made similar controversy last offseason as he re-signed ex-Flames Oli Jokinen and Alex Tanguay, moves that had fans and media questioning his leadership. Sutter explained the Flames’ offensive ineptitude has left him with no choice, unless he wants to be replaced by one of his brothers.

“Bringing in Amonte and Pavel’s brother will really get our asses in gear and we were able to get them at a lower price than before," stated Sutter.

However, the pressure Sutter faces has not subsided, especially with Jokinen underperforming again and Tanguay appearing as though he won’t regain his eighty-point form; even the Flames’ offensive franchise leader, Jarome Iginla, can’t find the back of the net. “I also called Oleg Saprykin, but I don’t think he understood my Russian,” commented Sutter.

Darryl Sutter’s brother and Flames’ coach Brent admitted he has had his own difficulties with the team, especially Iginla. Sutter expressed that he’s tried everything he can to scare the Flames straight, ”I’ve threatened to take away their TV and Facebook privileges, instituted an earlier curfew and flogged them with my belt — nothing seems to work,” he grumbled,

As stoic as he may appear, Darryl Sutter has been showing signs of stress. Wednesday, the media suggested that it was time for the Flames to inject new life into the roster and give some of their prospects a chance. Sutter became noticeably agitated,

“Don't you get? We made them all up! Backlund’s a surfer from San Diego, his real name’s Michael Backshaw and Greg Nemisz is 32-years old. No, we have to move forward with Amonte and Pavel’s brother.”

The new and improved Flames look to beat the Coyotes Tonight night in Phoenix.

Patrick Kane Give-A-Shit-O-Meter

[source]

Canadiens’ Gomez to open school of hockey, economics

Gomez winds up for one hell of a pass.
(Photo Source)

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

MONTREAL — Montreal Canadiens centre Scott Gomez announced Tuesday the opening of his new hockey school in his hometown of Anchorage, Alaska.

“Give and Go-mez” is already accepting young players from across North America. Those who have committed to the fifty-one million dollar registration fee will spend their next seven summers with the Calder Trophy winner.

“I really wanted to give back to the community and teach up-and-coming hockey youth the fundamentals,” said Gomez.

The program mainly consists of end-to-end rushes, slapshots from the neutral zone, no-look passing and waiting for the puck to come to you. The school’s curriculum also offers tutelage in hockey economics, specifically contract negotiation and extortion.

“These days, the game's also played in the GM’s office. Scott wanted to ensure these kids know the tricks of the trade so when the time comes, they can earn two or three times their worth,” commented Gomez’s agent Ian Pulver.

However, on the ice Gomez has been struggling. Though expectations may be unattainably high to justify his salary, Gomez’s offensive output has simply been abysmal. Thus far the Canadiens veteran has managed only a goal and two assists, but Gomez explains it’s all part of the game plan,

“If I conserve my energy and put up 70 points in 2014, I can get another 7 million out of [Glen] Sather. You have to think long-term.”

When asked if he had plans for other business ventures down the road Gomez replied,

Gomez will be back in inaction next Thursday night when the Canadiens play the Bruins.

Islanders hope latest signing won’t haunt them for fifteen years

Dipietro directs A-1 movers to bring his recliner into the crease.
(Photo Credit)

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

NEW YORK — In what has likely been their best signing in over two decades, the New York Islanders announced A-1 First Class – Viking Moving and Storage, Inc. as the team’s official moving company.

A-1 First Class president Matthew Schwartzberg said his Long Island organization was proud to be the Islanders’ latest corporate partner, “Well, the Mets, Jets, Knicks and Giants said no, but, hey, everyone likes hockey right?” adding, “Do the Islanders still have that Bossy guy?”

The new sponsorship includes a promotion available to season ticket holders who receive a one-time move out of Long Island, free of charge. Islanders GM Garth Snow wanted extend the promotional offer to some of his players as well,

“We’d like to remind Schremp that if he doesn’t start playing some defense, A-1 will ship him outta here — just like Tambellini.”

A-1 is also offering fans a seat-upgrade promotion called “Movin’ on Up” where lucky fans in the upper bowls of Nassau Coliseum will be invited to take their pick from the more expensive and frequently available seats below.

In addition, a “Spotted on the Move” truck-sight contest will give fans the opportunity to win Islanders tickets by spotting Rick Dipietro riding shotgun on selected A-1 First Class vehicles. “Garth says I have to start earning my paycheck, so I’m working my way up from here,” commented Dipietro.

And in an effort to give back to the Long Island community, A-1 will be welcoming new Long Island residents with special packages which include a New York travel guide, an autographed poster of Zenon Kenopka, and free Islanders playoff tickets.

With the New York Islanders and A-1 partnership solidified, Schwartzberg expressed his excitement for the future,

The Islanders face-off against the Flyers tonight.

Insecure Halak still trying to prove himself

Desperate Halak makes an unnecessary save on a Blackhawks breakaway.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

ST. LOUIS — After posting a 1.72 goals against average, a .932 save percentage, and two shut outs in eight games, St. Louis Blues goaltender Jaroslav Halak still wants people to know he can play at the NHL level.

“I know they [Montreal] traded me, but I can be a number one. I am just as good as Carey Price, you’ll see,” Halak said anxiously.

In a move last summer that shocked the city of Montreal into a Mad-Max-like, post-apocalyptic war-zone, the Canadiens dealt playoff hero Halak last to the Blues in favour of then back-up Price.

Since the trade, Halak has played with a chip on his shoulder and has arguably been the league’s best goaltender so far this season. Yet, Jaroslav still suffers from an inferiority complex and has given his teammates the impression he’s overcompensating.

“Frankly, it’s embarrassing. He doesn’t have try this hard, nobody tries this hard in St. Louis,” quipped forward Alexander Steen, “Christ, Kariya even took the entire year off.”

Blues captain Eric Brewer explained further, “We have to reassure Jaro after every goal he’s not going to be traded. I’ve asked him to tone it down. We know he’s good, he doesn’t have to rub it in.”

At the press conference following the Blues’ win against Atlanta, St. Louis media were baffled by Halak’s intensity and focus, prompting many to ask what exactly he’s trying to accomplish.

“I’ve explained to him that this isn’t Montreal, he’s a member of the Blues now and he has to start respecting our system," explained Blues coach Davis Payne, adding,

Halak will get another chance to fall in line Thursday at home against the San Jose Sharks.

Leafs, Sens say “rivalry” growing tired

The Senators' Chris Neil and Leafs' Wade
Belak just going through the motions.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

TORONTO — Both Toronto Maple Leafs and Ottawa Senators’ players expressed today that the rivalry between them has run its course and they’re tired of being pigeonholed as bitter enemies by the media.

“We’re sick of everyone telling us how to feel and we’re not going to put up with this facade any longer," revealed Senators defenceman Chris Phillips.

At one time, the Leafs and Senators shared one of the most intense rivalries in sports, which stemmed from four consecutive Senators playoff defeats at the hands of their Ontario nemeses. Entire cities were pitted against each other as the Senators and Leafs battled throughout the decade and fans mercilessly jeered on. However, despite the NHL and media perception, the players say the animosity is over.

“We’re tired of conforming to societal expectations. It’s time to take a stand and say no. We refuse to be vilified and cast as mere archetypes,” stated Leafs forward Colby Armstrong.

With most of the original rivalry era players either deceased or crippled, Leafs and Sens players believe the history is gone and the NHL is fooling themselves, and fans, by continuing to hype a war long-forgotten by both sides. Sens’ captain Daniel Alfreddson spoke out,

A similar sentiment was echoed on the other side of the fence,

The truth is I have friends who are Senators, they are exemplary role-models. I strive to be like them, and when dark days are upon me, I ask myself, ‘what would Fisher do?’" admitted Leafs’ defenceman Mike Komisarek.

Both teams can try to shake their labels tonight in Toronto.