Thursday, March 17, 2011

Geoff Molson to buy MLSE

Molson drunkenly explains his nefarious plan.
Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

TORONTO—Montreal Canadiens owner and beer tycoon Geoffrey Molson announced the purchase of MLSE, (Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment Ltd.) at a press conference this morning.

Molson’s acquisition of the Media corporation’s sixty-six percentage share establishes him as its majority owner, thus making him, perhaps, the most powerful individual in the Leafs’ organization.

Opponents of the sale claim there’s a fundamental conflict of interest in allowing an individual to possess two league franchises and cannot fathom why the NHL would agree to the sale. Commissioner Gary Bettman responded curtly, “If it’s not happening in Phoenix then I don’t give a shit!”

With two-thirds ownership, Molson’s boardroom votes dominate. He can virtually pass anything he proposes—and he has. Behind closed doors, Molson has already worked to dismantle the Board of Directors, ousting MLSE Chairman Larry Tanenbaum, and President and CEO, Richard Peddie—naming himself as their successor.

Molson was questioned as to whether he had plans to run the Maple Leafs himself, or if he would simply manage the financial and entertainment dealings. Molson responded, “Oh, I’ll run them alright, straight into the ground!” and proceeded to laugh manically, perched by a simulated fireplace in his new corporate office overlooking Toronto’s Financial District where, according to Molson, “the vile groundlings toil below.”

Molson, who was mildly disfigured in an accidental vat explosion as a child, is beginning to make his sinister intentions reality. Sources are saying all Leafs ticket prices will suddenly skyrocket to one million dollars per person, and that televised Leafs games will be blacked-out in the Toronto area.

Furthermore, Molson will abort Air Canada’s naming rights to the ACC and terminate their sponsorship in favour of renaming the arena the “Harold Ballard Forever Centre.” Molson has also vowed to change the Leafs iconic blue and white jerseys to a fluorescent yellow and green horizontal stripe pattern atop plaid. The famous Leafs crest will be replaced with a silhouette of Don Cherry and Doug Gilmour locked in a passionate embrace while giving the thumbs up.

To Toronto’s upper-crust that can still afford tickets, the HBF Centre will only provide Molson Kick on tap, while before every game, the national anthem will be attempted to be sung in French by Ashley Simpson with backup band Simple Plan. Additional arena modifications include stripping it of its seats and installing opaque plexiglass.

Molson also has plans to fire Leafs' GM Brian Burke and reinstating former manager John Ferguson Jr., and arrange the ceremonious jersey retirement of former Leafs Aki Berg and Dmitri Kristich.

Analysts estimate that over a six-month span, Molson’s sabotage would plummet MLSE’s enterprise value from 1.75 billon dollars down to a meager forty-three thousand, and render its brand equity virtually worthless.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Matt Cooke launches PR campaign for Lady Byng consideration

"For me? You shouldn't have!"
Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

PITTSBURGH—Penguins’ player Matt Cooke has plastered major cities across North America with an extensive Public Relations campaign positioning him as a leading candidate for this year’s Lady Byng trophy.

Traditionally awarded to the NHL’s most gentlemanly player, the Lady Byng prize has eluded Cooke in all of his twelve seasons. The Belleville native says after waiting patiently for the honour never to come, it’s time he pursued his due more aggressively.
The “Cooke re-brand” centers around such slogans as, “Think about the guys I didn’t hit,” and “Keep your head up for kindness!”

An effort three months in the making, Cooke has hired a prestigious New York PR firm and a team of spin doctors to re-mold his notorious public image. The all-out media blitz includes press releases, T.V. and radio ads, bus posters and plenty of online content.

One such commercial features an anxious Marc Savard testifying to the generosity of Cooke’s character, proclaiming, “Matt never gave me a concussion, I fell down some stairs before the game,” while another shows Cooke assisting an elderly woman to cross the street before she graciously turns back to present him with the Lady Byng hardware.

And not to mention the massive billboards, where—in the downtown core of Philadelphia, for example—every morning citizens wake up to a sunlit, smiling Cooke greeting Philadelphians with phrases like, “Good morning my brothers,” and “Beautiful day to win the Lady Byng.”

On the social media front, a new Matt Cooke facebook fan page is being heavily promoted and Cooke is especially visible on his Twitter account, posting frequent updates, “Just ordered new super-soft Nerf elbow-pads,” and “Giving out free visors before tonight’s game!“ to name a few. He's also displayed an affinity for emoticons, thus far.

To coincide with the advertising, is a Matt Cooke lobby group made up of fourteen-year-old girls with Tumblr accounts. The “Cooke-oos” have been following the Penguins across the continent, supporting the cause by brandishing homemade signs, T-shirts, and pins that read “Cooke knows how to treat a lady” and “Marty Louis is no Saint.”

“Those girls are no joke,” revealed Flyers forward Scott Hartnell, “I walked past them and called Cooke a prick then they spat on me, pulled my hair and said I was too fat to ever win the Lady Byng. I had to kick my way out, it was like playing the Habs.”

Even Cooke's Wikipedia page is receiving a facelift, as he encourages his many fans to help rid the entry of unjust slander against him. Byng rivals Marty St. Louis and Pavel Datsyuk have launched an all out offensive, editing his entry to include falsehoods such as "His playing style has earned him a reputation of being a "pest" and he is therefore known for his ability to aggravate opponents." Cooke's fans have sworn to continue to defend his tarnished reputation, and sent the following screen-capture of his Wikipedia page.
Click to enlarge

Expect the Cooke saturation to only pick up steam in the weeks to come.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Sens auditioning new heartthrobs after Fisher’s departure

To Sens fans, Fisher's voice sounds like unicorns puking rainbows.
Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

Ottawa—In the throes of the Mike Fisher trade that sent the Senators’ Adonis to Nashville, rendering Ottawa women everywhere emotionally void, the organization is left to decide who can step forward as the team’s next dreamboat.

“In the next couple days we’re staging auditions in the form of a pageant contest and talent show. It’s anybody’s best guess at this point.” commented Sens’ GM Bryan Murray.

Long the Sens’ sole monthly calender pin-up, Mike Fisher was sent to Nashville for a 2011 first round draft pick and a 2012 conditional selection—leaving the "face of the organization” position vacant.

Murray says it’s all part of the “hunk rebuilding plan,” “We’re going to take a good long look at the prospects this spring—no one’s really emerged as a number one yet. Our scouts are searching for the right combination of bone structure, complexion, eye colour and jawline definition before coming to a decision. Basically, we want the “McConaughey” that’s right for us, then we can build a new core of man-babes around him.”

“I ordered some new baby blue contacts so maybe I’ll have a shot,” said defenceman Jesse Winchester, “at least until I can get facial reconstructive surgery in the offseason.”

With Fisher gone, the Senators’ female fan attendance has plummeted. “It’s a medisterpølse fest out there,” said Danish forward Peter Regin, “Why am I even trying?” The Senators have already ruled out forwards Alex Kovalev, Chris Kelly, and Jarkko Ruuto, as well as defenceman Chris Campoli. Longtime Senator Chris Phillips was also considered too ugly until Murray re-signed “dirty uncle” to a three year contract.

The frontrunner could be the newly acquired Marek Svatos, a free agent pickup fresh off the runways of Slovakia. Still young, Svatos has been chronically injured throughout his career and the Sens’ management has mandated he wear a full face shield at all times. “We’ve got an investment to protect [in Svatos] and we can’t afford to have his mug end up like Nick Foligno’s,”explained coach Cory Clouston.

With the glory days of Fisher-fever behind them, the field is wide open for new blood to swoop in and steal the hearts of Ottawans. Pageant and talent show tickets can be pre-ordered at ottawasenators.com