Canucks’ GM Gillis, stats team, ready for Predators

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

Gillis tasks his research team with looking into Nashville's sea elevation.

VANCOUVER—Promptly after stepping off his soapbox before the Canucks' final game of their series against the Chicago Blackhawks, GM Mike Gillis and his crack statisticians team prepared themselves for a second round matchup versus the Nashville Predators.

This morning, Vancouver media leaked a preliminary list from Gillis’ desk of potential series advantages:

• Pacific Standard time affects Vancouver 100% more than Nashville
• 94% of Shea Weber’s beard should be considered too barbed for physical contact
• 89% of Tennesseans confuse defenceman Kevin Klein with actor Kevin Kline—creating a
  manufactured air of celebrity.
• Direct eye-contact with Mike Fisher is disarming 75% of the time
• 51% of Blake Geoffrion’s DNA is in the Hall of Fame
• Mesmerizing O’s make up 41% of Jordin Tootoo’s name
• 32% of Carrie Underwood’s lyrics can be ominously interpreted when played 
backwards
• Continental drift is responsible for 13% of Vancouver’s squandered breakaways
• 11% of seizures are attributed to the Predators’ colour scheme and logo design
• 4% of Predators’ players are considered “stars”—deciding who to shadow is nearly impossible
• 1.4% of Barry Trotz is neck, dramatizing his intimidating demeanor

Sources claim Gillis and his team are putting together a Powerpoint presentation and will present these inequitable issues in colourful pie chart and line graph forms.