 |
| The best thing to hit Raleigh since the lifting of the 1897 boysenberry jam prohibition. |
This year's All-Star game boasts a schoolyard style draft selection between Red Wings captain Nick Lidstrom and Hurricanes captain Eric Staal. With hockey analysts everywhere holding their own mock drafts, I present to you Hockey Net Blog's mock mock draft.
With Martin St. Louis, Mike Green, Patrick Kane and Ryan Kesler already assigned to their teams, let's conduct the rest of our draft and find out which elite specimen of professional human athletics can be made to feel inadequate by being chosen last.
Coin Toss: Let’s assume Lidstrom wins the toss because he has Jedi powers.
Team Lidstrom: First overall, Niklas Lidstrom selects Staal’s teammate Cam Ward just to mind-fuck Staal, because that’s probably the kind of subtle asshole he is.
Team Staal: Following that, Staal is forced to pick his only remaining teammate, rookie Jeff Skinner, so as to not look like a jerkoff in front of the hometown fans.
Team Lidstrom: Lidstrom goes off the board here and picks a Swede, a Sedin. Nick just calls out “Sedin” and lets the more assertive of the two step forward—not that it matters, let’s say it’s Daniel.
Team Staal: Eric counters by picking Henrik next knowing the Sedins will basically cancel each other out because neither one can function as an independent unit.
Team Lidstrom: Henrik Lundqvist, not because he’s Swedish, because they’re both Sagittariuses.
Team Staal: Jonathan Toews burns a hole through Staal’s face with that serious stare of his, Staal buckles.
Team Lidstrom: Steven Stamkos, you can’t resist that adorable pre-pubescent face.
Team Staal: Patrick Sharp—with Staal’s next selection Toews picks Sharp.
Team Lidstrom: Patrick Elias—chosen only under the stipulation that Lidstrom’s getting 2001 Patrick Elias.
Team Staal: Alex Ovechkin—so Eric will finally have someone to finish his passes.
Team Lidstrom: At this point, Zdeno Chara threatens to eat Daniel Briere if he isn’t picked next. Lidstrom doesn’t have the stomach for violence, he abides.
Team Staal: Danny Briere—to keep him away from Chara.
Team Lidstrom: Corey Perry—in hopes there’s a slash-off at the skills competition.
Team Staal: Eric selects Marc Staal and as he steps forward Eric yells, “psych!” and chooses Loui Eriksson instead because older brothers are assholes.
Team Lidstrom: Marc Staal is then called on out of pity.
Team Staal: Remembering that defence is part of the game too, he names Shea Weber.
Team Lidstrom; Nicklas chooses Paul Statsny but mistakenly refers to him as “Peter” because he’s old.
Team Staal: Dustin Byfuglien—crash the net and mix it up in the crease, good all-star game strategy.
Team Lidstrom: Joe Thornton—he was practically built for the all-star game, plus he’s not going to win anything else.
Team Staal: Rick Nash—because he loves how Nash handles in NHL 11.
Team Lidstrom: Erik Karlsson steps forward begging his childhood idol, Lidstrom, to select him.
Team Staal: Anze Kopitar—to fulfill his Slovenian player quota.
Team Lidstrom: Lidsy invites Anaheim Ducks rival and goaltender Jonas Hiller so he can “hang him out to dry” back there if he feels like it.
Team Staal: Duncan Keith—Staal can’t understand a word Keith says but he likes his style.
Team Lidstrom: Carey Price—to serenade the dressing room with his golden pipes and country music ballads.
Team Staal: Tim Thomas—just to see if he’ll lose his shit in the breakaway competition.
Team Lidstrom: Matt Duchene—he's been practicing all year for the skills competition’s dance off.
Team Staal: Brent Burns—Eric also extends his invite to a warm meal indoors, a shave and shower.
Team Lidstrom: Keith Yandle—Staal doesn’t know who he is because he plays in the west for the Coyotes, advantage Lidstrom.
Team Staal: Marc-Andre Fleury—for some good comic relief on and off the ice.
Team Lidstrom: Martin Havlat, he's favoured to win the “getting injured” portion of the skills comp.
Team Staal: Claude Giroux—he’s the only Flyer Staal can stand.
Team Lidstrom: Phil Kessel—Lidstrom wants him to play for a real team.
Team Staal: Brad Richards—in case the game goes to O.T, or to P.E.I.
Team Lidstrom: Kris Letang—not because Lidstrom’s looking for an offensive defenceman, but rather it’s an excellent opportunity to ask Letang to nab Crosby’s autograph, (“it’s for my kids, honestly.”)
Team Staal: Dan Boyle—A goal scoring threat at both ends of the rink, wise choice.
Team Lidstrom: David Backes—because someone has to be last and be an all-star in St. Louis.
