Atlanta Thrashers — June 25, 1997 - May 31, 2011

[Click to enlarge]

It is with great sadness that we note the passing of the Atlanta Thrashers, defunct suddenly at the Phillips Arena, on Tuesday, May 31, 2011. The Thrashers were cherished by loving parents the Atlanta Spirit Organization until they realized the actual cost of raising a chronic problem-child and shipped it out to Winnipeg. The Thrashers were also the beloved siblings of the Lightning, Capitals, Panthers, and Hurricanes. Sadly, the Thrashers left behind approximately 12,000 children, who visited infrequently and often only because the Braves were shitty, or Michael Vick was imprisoned. They will be fondly remembered for drafting Patrik Stefan, a logo that looked like throw-up, and making the playoffs only once—despite playing in the NHL’s remedial division. The Thrashers were truly a precious gift to the league’s other 29 teams. Friends will be received at the MTS Centre at 300 Portage Avenue, Winnipeg where a bylaw-scoffing street party will blaze for weeks. As an expression of sympathy, in lieu of flowers donations to the Winnipeg season ticket drive would be greatly appreciated.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

Panthers strike, say they won’t report to playoffs.

Florida may no longer be the hockey-topia we thought it was.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

MIAMI—At nine o’clock this morning, the Florida Panthers players orchestrated a work stoppage. The team is refusing to practice at the Sunrise Retirement and Vitality Resort, the coastal suburban seniors residence and arena at which they play.

Veteran forward and Panthers Worker Coalition Association representative Marty Reasoner confirmed the statement. He affirms that the players will not report to the remaining four regular season games or the playoffs—despite not being eligible.

“Seventy-eight games is enough, the oppression will go no further,” shouted a megaphone-holding Reasoner. Meanwhile, David Booth spray-painted “To hell with the playoffs!” on the windows of the team bus.

All thirty-three players assembled in the arena parking lot, picketing and chanting awkwardly rhymed slogans. Including "Hey hey—ho ho! Florida Panther's management needs to wake up and realize they can't take advantage of us anymo'!" and "The Panthers! United! Will never be defeated!"

A group of onlookers watched in perplexity as an effigy of Stanley C. Panther, team mascot, burned. “Stanley was a symbol of tyranny and injustice! We will not let him and the Panthers' organization debase us any longer!”

The Panthers players have filed numerous grievances against management and the NHL. Players have cited extensive workplace violations, demanding fair compensation and improved working conditions.

Forward Rostislav Olesz, who suffered a minor knee injury in February, was denied worker’s compensation and was advised by head coach Peter De Boer simply to “suck it up and play.” Olesz was unable to, as the injury likely required surgery. Instead, Olesz was replaced, or “refreshed,” by Panthers management with the younger and lesser paid scab, Evgeny Dadonov.

Centre Stephen Weiss complained that he routinely works triple shifts without receiving overtime pay. “Coach puts me out every chance he gets, I play forty minutes a game! I say I can’t do it and he tells me, ‘if you don’t, I’ll make you captain.’”

“I’m so tired, half the time I don’t even realize I’m shadowing Samsonov.”

Furthermore, goaltender Tomas Vokoun grieved that the sloppy nature of the Panthers’ defence corps constituted unfair working conditions. “I have to stop fifty shots a game, I’m forced to twist around in abnormal ways,” commented Vokoun, ”I’ve been here four years and [management] hasn’t done a thing about it.”

Panthers general manager, Dale Tallon, denies any wrongdoing on the organization’s part. Tallon claims if the players aren’t willing to honour their duties and report to work, the Panthers will hire area high school players, and that to ticketholders the difference would be trivial.

Coyotes bought by kindly old Medicine Hat couple

Under the Wilkinsons, the
Coyotes are now officially a
"Mom and Pop operation."

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

PHOENIX — The NHL announced today that the Phoenix Coyotes franchise has been purchased by elderly Medicine Hat couple, the Wilkinsons, for approximately just over ninety-eight thousand dollars.

On Tuesday, the Wilkinsons dipped into their life savings, outbidding all other potential Coyotes investors. The sixty-seven-year-old couple say they have no previous corporate management experience, except the local confectionary they’ve run since 1963.

“We think it’s just swell that Mr. Bettman was kind enough to sell us the Coyotes,” said Mr. Wilkinson. “What a nice man,” added Mrs. Wilkinson. “Don’t let their sweet disposition fool you, behind closed doors, [the Wilkinsons] play hardball,” commented NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman.”

Just days ago, PEAK6 Investments CEO Matthew Hulsizer was considered the NHL’s dream investor, primed to swoop in and purchase the Coyotes. Sources confirm Hulsier attended a team practice and was never heard from again.

Entrepreneurial sports mogul Jerry Reinsdorf was also once thought to the NHL’s newest owner, as his supposed partnership with the league grew last year until it was revealed Reinsdorf thought the Coyotes were an MLS franchise.

With the purchase, the Wilkinsons stated they “don’t want to cause a stir” and will enact a only few small changes. However, they have informed Coyotes coach Dave Tippet that their ten-year-old grandson, Cody, is to play first-line centre alongside captain Shane Doan and winger Ray Whitney. “It’s always been Cody’s dream to play in the NHL, and this is as close as we can get him,” said Mrs Wilkinson.”

Coyotes players say it’s been a seamless transition around Jobing.com Arena, “We’ve hardly noticed any difference, aside from the doilies adorning the dressing room and the snack bowls of Bridge Mix,” explained defenceman Ed Jovanovski.

Other new team policies the couple have instituted will see the Coyotes sport new wool jerseys, crocheted by Mrs. Wilkinson herself, while fresh chocolate chip cookies and milk will await the Coyotes—and their opponents—after every game.

When asked if they would be making any trades to boost the Coyotes from tenth place in the Western Conference, Mr. Wilkinson replied, “It’s not important who wins, as long as the boys have fun.”

The Coyotes will be ready and snug on Thursday night versus the Sharks.

Invertebrate Tim Thomas league’s leading goaltender

Thomas gets himself into position to make the save.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

BOSTON — Boston Bruins goaltender Tim Thomas has bested all NHL goaltenders in shutouts, save percentage and goals against average this season, and doing so without a solid backbone.

While playing in Finland during the 2004 NHL lockout, Thomas recently revealed he underwent surgery to remove his spine which doctor’s claimed would allow him to contort his body in new ways, increasing his overall flexibility.

Yet, during the 2009-2010 season Thomas struggled, often losing his positioning and generally unable to stand upright for long periods of time. Thomas eventually lost his job to backup Tuukka Rask.

Fueled by his fierce competitiveness and gambling debts, Thomas spent the offseason re-inventing himself around an “angry octopus” thrashing style of goaltending and is currently the leading Vezina trophy candidate.

The Bruins goalie demonstrated his new approach two weeks ago, when he dove across the crease to steal a goal from Toronto’s Francois Beauchemin. The effort has already been dubbed the “save of the year.”

“I saw Beauchemin with a wide open cage, so naturally I dislocated my left shoulder and collarbone to slither across and make the save,” said Thomas.

However, Thomas’ condition has not come without consequence, most notably a nasty temper often displayed in the form of broken goalie sticks and in the case of Bruins forward Marco Sturm, a torn ACL. Bruins captain Zdeno Chara reflected on Thomas’ physiological state, “I think he’s mostly cartilage now.”

“Tim’s adapting well to a completely new lifestyle,” commented coach Claude Julien on
Thomas’ hasty post-game exits. “Prolonged exposure outside of his saltwater regeneration tank will render him dehydrated and crusty — that’s why we bring him in as quick as possible,” finished Julien.

The Bruins netminder stated he’s making an effort to contain his composure this season and so far Thomas has guided the Bruins one win back of the division leading Canadiens.

Colin Campbell’s email etiquette a growing concern

Campbell considers the human toll of a chain letter.
(Photo Source)

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

NEW YORK — NHL Vice President and Director of Hockey Operations, Colin Campbell, has come under fire from League Commissioner Gary Bettman and NHL players for his appalling email etiquette.

In a story that broke earlier this week, excerpts of Colin Campbell’s emails were published, exposing Campbell’s ignorance of, or contempt for, any sort of Internet etiquette. Individuals are now coming forward to discuss Campbell’s behaviour.

“It’s bad form, I’m embarrassed for him. You’d hope someone of [Campbell’s] distinction could adhere to the same standards of convention as the rest of us. Seriously, it’s not 1998,” said a disgusted Sean Avery.

Campbell’s publicized messages to players and administration were often exhaustively lengthy, riddled with typos, grammatical errors and other common emailing faux-pas. “It’s just all caps, all the time with him. He always says there’s an urgent matter to discuss, I head into his office assuming he’s furious, but then he only gives me two games,” explained the Capitals’ Alex Ovechkin.

Former NHLPA ombudsman Eric Lindros was also irked by the complete disregard for formality, citing Campbell’s continual misspelling of his name, “He’s always calling me ‘Lindrop’. C’mon, at least use Spellcheck before you hit send.”

Even Campbell’s own son, Gregory—a Boston Bruin, was mortified when his father accidentally “replied all” in a mass message carbon copied to all 690 NHL players. “It was humiliating, now the whole league knows I’m not allowed to attend Marc Savard’s birthday party,” commented Campbell.

The media has confronted Gary Bettman regarding the incidents, and inquired as to whether he was aware of Campbell’s unrefined communications skills. The commissioner stated he was “more than aware.”

“It’s like my grandmother just discovered the Internet. You wouldn’t believe the forwards I get. Every day my inbox is flooded with the dancing baby or ‘lolcats’— I’ve seen it already. Campbell’s a total noob,” Bettman vented, adding,

Bettman has instructed players and NHLPA personnel to report Campbell's messages as spam.

Islanders hope latest signing won’t haunt them for fifteen years

Dipietro directs A-1 movers to bring his recliner into the crease.
(Photo Credit)

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

NEW YORK — In what has likely been their best signing in over two decades, the New York Islanders announced A-1 First Class – Viking Moving and Storage, Inc. as the team’s official moving company.

A-1 First Class president Matthew Schwartzberg said his Long Island organization was proud to be the Islanders’ latest corporate partner, “Well, the Mets, Jets, Knicks and Giants said no, but, hey, everyone likes hockey right?” adding, “Do the Islanders still have that Bossy guy?”

The new sponsorship includes a promotion available to season ticket holders who receive a one-time move out of Long Island, free of charge. Islanders GM Garth Snow wanted extend the promotional offer to some of his players as well,

“We’d like to remind Schremp that if he doesn’t start playing some defense, A-1 will ship him outta here — just like Tambellini.”

A-1 is also offering fans a seat-upgrade promotion called “Movin’ on Up” where lucky fans in the upper bowls of Nassau Coliseum will be invited to take their pick from the more expensive and frequently available seats below.

In addition, a “Spotted on the Move” truck-sight contest will give fans the opportunity to win Islanders tickets by spotting Rick Dipietro riding shotgun on selected A-1 First Class vehicles. “Garth says I have to start earning my paycheck, so I’m working my way up from here,” commented Dipietro.

And in an effort to give back to the Long Island community, A-1 will be welcoming new Long Island residents with special packages which include a New York travel guide, an autographed poster of Zenon Kenopka, and free Islanders playoff tickets.

With the New York Islanders and A-1 partnership solidified, Schwartzberg expressed his excitement for the future,

The Islanders face-off against the Flyers tonight.

Taylor Hall making progress in NHL 11 Be a Pro mode

Hall has to work up the ranks — even if he is on
the cover.

Blair Charboneau, Hockey Net

EDMONTON — Oilers GM Tambellini has assigned struggling rookie Taylor Hall to work his way through the EA Sports NHL 11 Be a Pro mode. The Oilers are hoping EA’s popular hockey simulation game can further the development of their 18-year-old prospect.

“We’re going to monitor his Memorial Cup and AHL progress. Eventually, we hope Hall can put up good virtual numbers at the “All-star” setting and play his way onto a top-six role with us, explained Oilers coach Tom Renney.”

Although Oilers Fans' expectations might be somewhat unrealistic for the 2010 first-rounder, Hall has only one assist in seven games so far and has since seen his ice-time diminish and is doing his best to deal with NHL 11 setbacks.

“Well I had to restart a few times because the Oilers kept passing me over on draft day, and that prick Taylor Chorney stole my number. Then the OKC Barons wouldn’t put me on the powerplay so I asked for a trade, but things are getting better,” said Hall.

The Oilers remain confident Hall will steadily move up the NHL 11 ranks and into a larger role with the club.

“We’ve asked Taylor to be patient, stick with the game, and stop trying to fight people after the whistle,” commented Oilers assistant coach Kelly Buchberger.

Hall is working hard to show his commitment to the team, and is already starting to see some results.

“Actually, I just got called up to the NHL. I’m only rated 75 overall and playing nine minutes on the fourth line, but my positional score is strong, said Hall, adding,

The Oilers must be content to see Hall grinding it out, taking nothing for granted, and Hall will likely see more playing time soon enough once Hemsky gets injured.

Pavelec Must Clear Mental Hurdle Of Playing For Thrashers Before Returning

Pavelec wears his old Sudbury Wolves gear.
Is he ready to hear the truth?

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

ATLANTA — Goaltender Ondrej Pavelec is back practicing after being evaluated by team doctors earlier this week and expects to play soon — provided he clears one final mental evaluation.

“We still haven’t reminded him he plays for the Thrashers,” lamented head coach Craig Ramsay.

After collapsing on the ice during the first game of the season, the Thrashers’ net-minder was told by team doctors that he suffered a “fainting spell.” However, Pavelec was reassured to hear the experience is “relatively common among players in blasé hockey markets” and “usually doesn’t reoccur too often.”

“It having been the home opener, with flashing lights, loud music, and murmurs of the few hundred fans, we think reality sunk in and Ondrej’s subconscious hit the eject button,” explained long-time Thrasher Jim Slater.

Meanwhile the team has been wearing logo-less, white jerseys to practice, covered up all Thrashers paraphernalia at the arena, and instituted a complete media blackout for Pavelec. Atlanta’s goalie coach, Clint Malarchuk, offered further analysis,

Malarchuk can empathize with Pavelec’s on-ice crisis, after he tried to take his own life with a skate in 1989, driven to despair as a Buffalo Sabre.

Exclusive: Sens Discipline Neil Following Incidents of Locker Room Bullying (UPDATED)

#25 doing what he does best.

Hockey Net Exclusive

OTTAWA — Senators GM Bryan Murray summoned Chris Neil to his office this morning, addressing concerns that bullying in the Sens’ locker room has become a serious issue. Since the season opener on October 8th, Cory Clouston has received several troubling calls from the parents of younger players on the roster, including rookie Zack Smith's mother.

Coach Clouston has reportedly reprimanded the team's enforcer, revoking his zamboni-riding privileges and grounding Neil to his hotel room on road trips.

The bullying reportedly began with the throwing of hockey tape, but quickly escalated to wedgies and noogies. Erik Karlsson came forward as another victim of Neil's merciless torment, citing an incident on Saturday as the reason for breaking his silence. He had witnessed Neil giving Smith a "swirly" during the second intermission of Saturday's game against the Habs.

"An enforcer is supposed to look out for the guys on his team, not victimize them," Karlsson bravely asserted during an interview following Monday’s game against the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Mike Fisher reportedly advised the young guns to "turn the other cheek," but Smith's mother countered that the boys needed to stand up for themselves or else Neil would "never learn."

When captain Daniel Alfredsson caught wind of the allegations he issued a simple statement,

 Alfie tells Hockey Net he had a chat with Neil, and has been assured that the bad behaviour will not continue. He added that no one should have to face a bully alone, "Zack Smith did the right thing by telling his mom. I urge anyone out there who is dealing with a bully to tell a trusted adult."

Chris Neil was asked to apologize publicly, and complied, whining "sooorry!"

While the sincerity of Neil's statement is not evident, Clouston has sent a letter home to players' parents, assuring them that Neil's behaviour is being monitored, and that their boys are being looked after.

UPDATE: Zack Smith has been sent back to the Binghamton Senators, replaced by David Hale. [Oct. 20/10]

Stars’ Brunnstrom Conquers NHL, Sets Sights On AHL

Brunnstrom holds all the proof he'll ever need.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

DALLAS — Dallas Stars forward Fabian Brunnstrom announced Sunday he is abandoning the NHL to pursue his dream of skating a full season with the Texas Stars, Dallas’ AHL affiliate.

As a highly touted swedish prospect, Brunnstrom exploded onto the NHL scene in 2008 and joined an elite group by recording a hat-trick in his first game. Two years and 40 points later, Brunnstrom is leaving with no regrets and nothing left to prove.

“Towards the end I was just going through the motions. I wondered ‘what am I still doing here? What else can I accomplish?’ It’s time for a new challenge,” said Brunnstrom, adding “Now I know how Scott Niedermayer must have felt.”

Though the twenty five-year-old is leaving the Stars with a void at left wing, GM Joe Nieuwendyk wishes him the best of luck. “Fabian’s moving on to bigger and better things,” commented Nieuwendyk.

Growing up playing minor hockey in Jonstorp, Sweden, Brunnstrom’s aspirations of AHL prominence must have seemed like a pipe dream — until now. Brunnstrom expressed his excitement to finally play for the team he’s idolized since its 2009 inauguration.

Brunnstrom will only have to wait until Friday, when the Stars host the Lake Erie Monsters.

Leafs’ MacArthur On Pace For 102 Goals, Zero Friends

Clarke MacArthur tries to chat with standoffish
teammates Mikhail Grabovski and Fredrick
Sjostrom during practice on Sept. 19, 2010

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

TORONTO — With five goals and one assist after four games, Maple Leafs winger Clarke MacArthur is currently projected to reach 102 goals, while only setting up his teammates a paltry 20 times. A fact not unrecognized by his fellow players.

An only child from Lloydminster, Alberta, MacArthur is not accustomed to playing well with others — perhaps explaining why he’s already been traded three times in the span of four years.

“Oh he’s on pace alright...to be a selfish asshole.” quipped line-mate Mikhail Grabovski.

And the Belorussian centre isn’t the only one who has a bone to pick with MacArthur.

“The only pass I got from him was a blocked shot that came off a skate,” expressed winger Nikolai Kulemin, adding,

However, Leafs’ coach Ron Wilson sees the upside, “I’m thinking about just making him our entire second line, that way I can spread out the scoring.”

MacArthur will have his chance to make amends Monday as the Leafs host the Islanders.

Anaheim Ducks Slated To Open Line Of MMA Dojos

George Parros performs a wicked textbook takedown on WIllie Mitchell.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

ANAHEIM — The Anaheim Ducks are expected to announce the opening of their new Mixed Martial Arts studio line later this week.

“Ducks Dojos” will hit Anaheim and the Orange County region in an effort to give back to the community, while helping provide players of all skill levels with the basic fundamentals of Ducks’ hockey.

“We wanted to familiarize our current and up-and-coming players with the essential Judo, Jiu-Jitsu, and Muay Thai backgrounds they’ll need to play under our system.” explained Ducks’ GM Bob Murray.

With a 1-3 record thus far, Anaheim is off to a slow start this season and currently sit last place in the West. The Ducks are struggling to beat opponents on the scoreboard but are eager to make up for it with intensity.

When asked to comment, captain Ryan Getzlaf told Hockey Net,

The Ducks have also hired MMA fighter Quinton "Rampage" Jackson as the newest bench coach. “Rampage is a highly experienced and fierce fighter who demands the highest compete level from our guys,” said coach Randy Carlyle.

“We just want to keep it simple: get the puck in deep, grapple the D into a submissive hold and force the takedown” added winger Cory Perry.

The Ducks will go “no holds barred” Friday night against the Thrashers.

Isles’ Wisniewski Suspended For Demonstrating How To Eat Long Island Street Meat

Matt Moulson (left) expresses delight at James Wisniewski's charades
prowess as Sean Avery and two equally impressed officials look on.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

NEW YORK — New York Islanders defenceman James Wisniewski has been suspended two games for a gesture made during Monday's game against the New York Rangers.

During the first period, Wisniewski and Rangers’ forward Sean Avery were conversing near the Islanders’ goal; the discourse culminated with Wisniewski demonstrating the best way to eat one of Long Island’s famous franks.

Soon after the game, Colin Campbell, Director of Hockey Operations, handed down a
two-game suspension.

“I didn’t know Colin was vegetarian.” Wisniewski said to reporters, adding “I figured no one would notice at a home game.”

No stranger to controversy, Avery was grateful not to be on the receiving end of Campbell’s long “tofu-arm” of the law. When asked about the incident, Avery explained,

NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman was in attendance at the time, but told reporters he missed the incident because he was checking the over/under for the Heat game on his Blackberry.”

Wisniewski will be eligible to return on Saturday at home against the Colorado Avalanche.