Coyotes bought by kindly old Medicine Hat couple

Under the Wilkinsons, the
Coyotes are now officially a
"Mom and Pop operation."

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

PHOENIX — The NHL announced today that the Phoenix Coyotes franchise has been purchased by elderly Medicine Hat couple, the Wilkinsons, for approximately just over ninety-eight thousand dollars.

On Tuesday, the Wilkinsons dipped into their life savings, outbidding all other potential Coyotes investors. The sixty-seven-year-old couple say they have no previous corporate management experience, except the local confectionary they’ve run since 1963.

“We think it’s just swell that Mr. Bettman was kind enough to sell us the Coyotes,” said Mr. Wilkinson. “What a nice man,” added Mrs. Wilkinson. “Don’t let their sweet disposition fool you, behind closed doors, [the Wilkinsons] play hardball,” commented NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman.”

Just days ago, PEAK6 Investments CEO Matthew Hulsizer was considered the NHL’s dream investor, primed to swoop in and purchase the Coyotes. Sources confirm Hulsier attended a team practice and was never heard from again.

Entrepreneurial sports mogul Jerry Reinsdorf was also once thought to the NHL’s newest owner, as his supposed partnership with the league grew last year until it was revealed Reinsdorf thought the Coyotes were an MLS franchise.

With the purchase, the Wilkinsons stated they “don’t want to cause a stir” and will enact a only few small changes. However, they have informed Coyotes coach Dave Tippet that their ten-year-old grandson, Cody, is to play first-line centre alongside captain Shane Doan and winger Ray Whitney. “It’s always been Cody’s dream to play in the NHL, and this is as close as we can get him,” said Mrs Wilkinson.”

Coyotes players say it’s been a seamless transition around Jobing.com Arena, “We’ve hardly noticed any difference, aside from the doilies adorning the dressing room and the snack bowls of Bridge Mix,” explained defenceman Ed Jovanovski.

Other new team policies the couple have instituted will see the Coyotes sport new wool jerseys, crocheted by Mrs. Wilkinson herself, while fresh chocolate chip cookies and milk will await the Coyotes—and their opponents—after every game.

When asked if they would be making any trades to boost the Coyotes from tenth place in the Western Conference, Mr. Wilkinson replied, “It’s not important who wins, as long as the boys have fun.”

The Coyotes will be ready and snug on Thursday night versus the Sharks.

Insecure Halak still trying to prove himself

Desperate Halak makes an unnecessary save on a Blackhawks breakaway.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

ST. LOUIS — After posting a 1.72 goals against average, a .932 save percentage, and two shut outs in eight games, St. Louis Blues goaltender Jaroslav Halak still wants people to know he can play at the NHL level.

“I know they [Montreal] traded me, but I can be a number one. I am just as good as Carey Price, you’ll see,” Halak said anxiously.

In a move last summer that shocked the city of Montreal into a Mad-Max-like, post-apocalyptic war-zone, the Canadiens dealt playoff hero Halak last to the Blues in favour of then back-up Price.

Since the trade, Halak has played with a chip on his shoulder and has arguably been the league’s best goaltender so far this season. Yet, Jaroslav still suffers from an inferiority complex and has given his teammates the impression he’s overcompensating.

“Frankly, it’s embarrassing. He doesn’t have try this hard, nobody tries this hard in St. Louis,” quipped forward Alexander Steen, “Christ, Kariya even took the entire year off.”

Blues captain Eric Brewer explained further, “We have to reassure Jaro after every goal he’s not going to be traded. I’ve asked him to tone it down. We know he’s good, he doesn’t have to rub it in.”

At the press conference following the Blues’ win against Atlanta, St. Louis media were baffled by Halak’s intensity and focus, prompting many to ask what exactly he’s trying to accomplish.

“I’ve explained to him that this isn’t Montreal, he’s a member of the Blues now and he has to start respecting our system," explained Blues coach Davis Payne, adding,

Halak will get another chance to fall in line Thursday at home against the San Jose Sharks.