Invertebrate Tim Thomas league’s leading goaltender

Thomas gets himself into position to make the save.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

BOSTON — Boston Bruins goaltender Tim Thomas has bested all NHL goaltenders in shutouts, save percentage and goals against average this season, and doing so without a solid backbone.

While playing in Finland during the 2004 NHL lockout, Thomas recently revealed he underwent surgery to remove his spine which doctor’s claimed would allow him to contort his body in new ways, increasing his overall flexibility.

Yet, during the 2009-2010 season Thomas struggled, often losing his positioning and generally unable to stand upright for long periods of time. Thomas eventually lost his job to backup Tuukka Rask.

Fueled by his fierce competitiveness and gambling debts, Thomas spent the offseason re-inventing himself around an “angry octopus” thrashing style of goaltending and is currently the leading Vezina trophy candidate.

The Bruins goalie demonstrated his new approach two weeks ago, when he dove across the crease to steal a goal from Toronto’s Francois Beauchemin. The effort has already been dubbed the “save of the year.”

“I saw Beauchemin with a wide open cage, so naturally I dislocated my left shoulder and collarbone to slither across and make the save,” said Thomas.

However, Thomas’ condition has not come without consequence, most notably a nasty temper often displayed in the form of broken goalie sticks and in the case of Bruins forward Marco Sturm, a torn ACL. Bruins captain Zdeno Chara reflected on Thomas’ physiological state, “I think he’s mostly cartilage now.”

“Tim’s adapting well to a completely new lifestyle,” commented coach Claude Julien on
Thomas’ hasty post-game exits. “Prolonged exposure outside of his saltwater regeneration tank will render him dehydrated and crusty — that’s why we bring him in as quick as possible,” finished Julien.

The Bruins netminder stated he’s making an effort to contain his composure this season and so far Thomas has guided the Bruins one win back of the division leading Canadiens.

Insecure Halak still trying to prove himself

Desperate Halak makes an unnecessary save on a Blackhawks breakaway.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

ST. LOUIS — After posting a 1.72 goals against average, a .932 save percentage, and two shut outs in eight games, St. Louis Blues goaltender Jaroslav Halak still wants people to know he can play at the NHL level.

“I know they [Montreal] traded me, but I can be a number one. I am just as good as Carey Price, you’ll see,” Halak said anxiously.

In a move last summer that shocked the city of Montreal into a Mad-Max-like, post-apocalyptic war-zone, the Canadiens dealt playoff hero Halak last to the Blues in favour of then back-up Price.

Since the trade, Halak has played with a chip on his shoulder and has arguably been the league’s best goaltender so far this season. Yet, Jaroslav still suffers from an inferiority complex and has given his teammates the impression he’s overcompensating.

“Frankly, it’s embarrassing. He doesn’t have try this hard, nobody tries this hard in St. Louis,” quipped forward Alexander Steen, “Christ, Kariya even took the entire year off.”

Blues captain Eric Brewer explained further, “We have to reassure Jaro after every goal he’s not going to be traded. I’ve asked him to tone it down. We know he’s good, he doesn’t have to rub it in.”

At the press conference following the Blues’ win against Atlanta, St. Louis media were baffled by Halak’s intensity and focus, prompting many to ask what exactly he’s trying to accomplish.

“I’ve explained to him that this isn’t Montreal, he’s a member of the Blues now and he has to start respecting our system," explained Blues coach Davis Payne, adding,

Halak will get another chance to fall in line Thursday at home against the San Jose Sharks.

Pavelec Must Clear Mental Hurdle Of Playing For Thrashers Before Returning

Pavelec wears his old Sudbury Wolves gear.
Is he ready to hear the truth?

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

ATLANTA — Goaltender Ondrej Pavelec is back practicing after being evaluated by team doctors earlier this week and expects to play soon — provided he clears one final mental evaluation.

“We still haven’t reminded him he plays for the Thrashers,” lamented head coach Craig Ramsay.

After collapsing on the ice during the first game of the season, the Thrashers’ net-minder was told by team doctors that he suffered a “fainting spell.” However, Pavelec was reassured to hear the experience is “relatively common among players in blasé hockey markets” and “usually doesn’t reoccur too often.”

“It having been the home opener, with flashing lights, loud music, and murmurs of the few hundred fans, we think reality sunk in and Ondrej’s subconscious hit the eject button,” explained long-time Thrasher Jim Slater.

Meanwhile the team has been wearing logo-less, white jerseys to practice, covered up all Thrashers paraphernalia at the arena, and instituted a complete media blackout for Pavelec. Atlanta’s goalie coach, Clint Malarchuk, offered further analysis,

Malarchuk can empathize with Pavelec’s on-ice crisis, after he tried to take his own life with a skate in 1989, driven to despair as a Buffalo Sabre.