Atlanta Thrashers — June 25, 1997 - May 31, 2011

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It is with great sadness that we note the passing of the Atlanta Thrashers, defunct suddenly at the Phillips Arena, on Tuesday, May 31, 2011. The Thrashers were cherished by loving parents the Atlanta Spirit Organization until they realized the actual cost of raising a chronic problem-child and shipped it out to Winnipeg. The Thrashers were also the beloved siblings of the Lightning, Capitals, Panthers, and Hurricanes. Sadly, the Thrashers left behind approximately 12,000 children, who visited infrequently and often only because the Braves were shitty, or Michael Vick was imprisoned. They will be fondly remembered for drafting Patrik Stefan, a logo that looked like throw-up, and making the playoffs only once—despite playing in the NHL’s remedial division. The Thrashers were truly a precious gift to the league’s other 29 teams. Friends will be received at the MTS Centre at 300 Portage Avenue, Winnipeg where a bylaw-scoffing street party will blaze for weeks. As an expression of sympathy, in lieu of flowers donations to the Winnipeg season ticket drive would be greatly appreciated.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

Teammates say “Movember stache” changed Leafs’ Brown

Brown: the meanest sonovabitch in 30 counties?

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

TORONTO — Teammates claim Maple Leafs forward Mike Brown’s mustache had an adverse effect on his personality.

Brown and several other Leafs players participated in “Movember” to raise prostate cancer awareness. Brown’s Mustache quickly became a popular attraction, piquing the interest of media and fans alike.

However, teammates witnessed a rapid transformation from his once good-natured character into a brooding, boorish maverick. The Leafs attribute Brown’s depravity to his 19th century, western-inspired mustache.

“Mike was the nicest guy in the room, now he just sits by himself slamming shots of bourbon, dealing 5-card stud,” said forward Kris Versteeg.

Players and coaches are at a loss to explain the reasoning behind Brown’s condition. They remain concerned, yet the team says no one has tried to confront Brown.

“Everyone’s too afraid of him,” voiced centre Tyler Bozak, “He even put up his own ‘wanted dead or alive poster’ in the room and dared us to take him down.”

Leafs general manager Brian Burke told the media that Brown will be sitting down with the team’s psychiatrist. However, the organization remains deeply concerned as new incidents—including Brown’s continual reference to Toronto as “Dodge City,” and insistence on being paid in silver dollars—continue to persist.

When reporters asked Brown about his unusual conduct and why he believes the officials are, in fact, “sheriffs,” he barked, “What’s it to you, vermin?”

The Leafs stated they first recognized the problem in mid November when Brown started spitting chewing tobacco from the bench. Then the right winger took to the ice with spurs on his skates during the second period of a game versus the Stars.

Opposing players, or “outlaws” according to Brown, say they, too, are aware of the player’s transformation. New York Rangers enforcer Derek Boogaard quoted Brown claimed that “this city isn’t big enough for the both of us” before challenging Boogaard to a street fight at “high noon.” And Atlanta Thrashers captain Andrew Ladd revealed that prior to an opening face-off, Brown kept referring to the Thrashers’ Phillips Arena as a “ghost town.”

While management decides how to best handle the situation, some believe Brown’s condition may run it’s course, while others suggest it will eventually consume him in a fiery blaze of glory.

As Brown declares "Mocember" to be in full effect, the Leafs can only hope.

Pavelec Must Clear Mental Hurdle Of Playing For Thrashers Before Returning

Pavelec wears his old Sudbury Wolves gear.
Is he ready to hear the truth?

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

ATLANTA — Goaltender Ondrej Pavelec is back practicing after being evaluated by team doctors earlier this week and expects to play soon — provided he clears one final mental evaluation.

“We still haven’t reminded him he plays for the Thrashers,” lamented head coach Craig Ramsay.

After collapsing on the ice during the first game of the season, the Thrashers’ net-minder was told by team doctors that he suffered a “fainting spell.” However, Pavelec was reassured to hear the experience is “relatively common among players in blasé hockey markets” and “usually doesn’t reoccur too often.”

“It having been the home opener, with flashing lights, loud music, and murmurs of the few hundred fans, we think reality sunk in and Ondrej’s subconscious hit the eject button,” explained long-time Thrasher Jim Slater.

Meanwhile the team has been wearing logo-less, white jerseys to practice, covered up all Thrashers paraphernalia at the arena, and instituted a complete media blackout for Pavelec. Atlanta’s goalie coach, Clint Malarchuk, offered further analysis,

Malarchuk can empathize with Pavelec’s on-ice crisis, after he tried to take his own life with a skate in 1989, driven to despair as a Buffalo Sabre.