Teammates say “Movember stache” changed Leafs’ Brown

Brown: the meanest sonovabitch in 30 counties?

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

TORONTO — Teammates claim Maple Leafs forward Mike Brown’s mustache had an adverse effect on his personality.

Brown and several other Leafs players participated in “Movember” to raise prostate cancer awareness. Brown’s Mustache quickly became a popular attraction, piquing the interest of media and fans alike.

However, teammates witnessed a rapid transformation from his once good-natured character into a brooding, boorish maverick. The Leafs attribute Brown’s depravity to his 19th century, western-inspired mustache.

“Mike was the nicest guy in the room, now he just sits by himself slamming shots of bourbon, dealing 5-card stud,” said forward Kris Versteeg.

Players and coaches are at a loss to explain the reasoning behind Brown’s condition. They remain concerned, yet the team says no one has tried to confront Brown.

“Everyone’s too afraid of him,” voiced centre Tyler Bozak, “He even put up his own ‘wanted dead or alive poster’ in the room and dared us to take him down.”

Leafs general manager Brian Burke told the media that Brown will be sitting down with the team’s psychiatrist. However, the organization remains deeply concerned as new incidents—including Brown’s continual reference to Toronto as “Dodge City,” and insistence on being paid in silver dollars—continue to persist.

When reporters asked Brown about his unusual conduct and why he believes the officials are, in fact, “sheriffs,” he barked, “What’s it to you, vermin?”

The Leafs stated they first recognized the problem in mid November when Brown started spitting chewing tobacco from the bench. Then the right winger took to the ice with spurs on his skates during the second period of a game versus the Stars.

Opposing players, or “outlaws” according to Brown, say they, too, are aware of the player’s transformation. New York Rangers enforcer Derek Boogaard quoted Brown claimed that “this city isn’t big enough for the both of us” before challenging Boogaard to a street fight at “high noon.” And Atlanta Thrashers captain Andrew Ladd revealed that prior to an opening face-off, Brown kept referring to the Thrashers’ Phillips Arena as a “ghost town.”

While management decides how to best handle the situation, some believe Brown’s condition may run it’s course, while others suggest it will eventually consume him in a fiery blaze of glory.

As Brown declares "Mocember" to be in full effect, the Leafs can only hope.

Canadiens’ Gomez to open school of hockey, economics

Gomez winds up for one hell of a pass.
(Photo Source)

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

MONTREAL — Montreal Canadiens centre Scott Gomez announced Tuesday the opening of his new hockey school in his hometown of Anchorage, Alaska.

“Give and Go-mez” is already accepting young players from across North America. Those who have committed to the fifty-one million dollar registration fee will spend their next seven summers with the Calder Trophy winner.

“I really wanted to give back to the community and teach up-and-coming hockey youth the fundamentals,” said Gomez.

The program mainly consists of end-to-end rushes, slapshots from the neutral zone, no-look passing and waiting for the puck to come to you. The school’s curriculum also offers tutelage in hockey economics, specifically contract negotiation and extortion.

“These days, the game's also played in the GM’s office. Scott wanted to ensure these kids know the tricks of the trade so when the time comes, they can earn two or three times their worth,” commented Gomez’s agent Ian Pulver.

However, on the ice Gomez has been struggling. Though expectations may be unattainably high to justify his salary, Gomez’s offensive output has simply been abysmal. Thus far the Canadiens veteran has managed only a goal and two assists, but Gomez explains it’s all part of the game plan,

“If I conserve my energy and put up 70 points in 2014, I can get another 7 million out of [Glen] Sather. You have to think long-term.”

When asked if he had plans for other business ventures down the road Gomez replied,

Gomez will be back in inaction next Thursday night when the Canadiens play the Bruins.

Islanders hope latest signing won’t haunt them for fifteen years

Dipietro directs A-1 movers to bring his recliner into the crease.
(Photo Credit)

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

NEW YORK — In what has likely been their best signing in over two decades, the New York Islanders announced A-1 First Class – Viking Moving and Storage, Inc. as the team’s official moving company.

A-1 First Class president Matthew Schwartzberg said his Long Island organization was proud to be the Islanders’ latest corporate partner, “Well, the Mets, Jets, Knicks and Giants said no, but, hey, everyone likes hockey right?” adding, “Do the Islanders still have that Bossy guy?”

The new sponsorship includes a promotion available to season ticket holders who receive a one-time move out of Long Island, free of charge. Islanders GM Garth Snow wanted extend the promotional offer to some of his players as well,

“We’d like to remind Schremp that if he doesn’t start playing some defense, A-1 will ship him outta here — just like Tambellini.”

A-1 is also offering fans a seat-upgrade promotion called “Movin’ on Up” where lucky fans in the upper bowls of Nassau Coliseum will be invited to take their pick from the more expensive and frequently available seats below.

In addition, a “Spotted on the Move” truck-sight contest will give fans the opportunity to win Islanders tickets by spotting Rick Dipietro riding shotgun on selected A-1 First Class vehicles. “Garth says I have to start earning my paycheck, so I’m working my way up from here,” commented Dipietro.

And in an effort to give back to the Long Island community, A-1 will be welcoming new Long Island residents with special packages which include a New York travel guide, an autographed poster of Zenon Kenopka, and free Islanders playoff tickets.

With the New York Islanders and A-1 partnership solidified, Schwartzberg expressed his excitement for the future,

The Islanders face-off against the Flyers tonight.

Isles’ Wisniewski Suspended For Demonstrating How To Eat Long Island Street Meat

Matt Moulson (left) expresses delight at James Wisniewski's charades
prowess as Sean Avery and two equally impressed officials look on.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

NEW YORK — New York Islanders defenceman James Wisniewski has been suspended two games for a gesture made during Monday's game against the New York Rangers.

During the first period, Wisniewski and Rangers’ forward Sean Avery were conversing near the Islanders’ goal; the discourse culminated with Wisniewski demonstrating the best way to eat one of Long Island’s famous franks.

Soon after the game, Colin Campbell, Director of Hockey Operations, handed down a
two-game suspension.

“I didn’t know Colin was vegetarian.” Wisniewski said to reporters, adding “I figured no one would notice at a home game.”

No stranger to controversy, Avery was grateful not to be on the receiving end of Campbell’s long “tofu-arm” of the law. When asked about the incident, Avery explained,

NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman was in attendance at the time, but told reporters he missed the incident because he was checking the over/under for the Heat game on his Blackberry.”

Wisniewski will be eligible to return on Saturday at home against the Colorado Avalanche.