Montreal Doesn't Know What To Do With Scott Gomez, So Someone Put Him On Kijiji

Blair Charbonneau, via Kijiji

Someone in Montreal is trying to rid the Canadiens of Scott Gomez by selling him—or maybe just his place?— on Kijiji's Real Estate section. Specifically, the ad lists a one bedroom apartment, furnished, with a den.

The catch might be that the "Alaskan Mystery" comes with it. But if you're on the fence, you can get a free Jaques Martin too! Asking price? $29.99, which is still a bit much for damaged goods. On the plus side, the ad claims there are 6 or more bathrooms—so there's that. Unless by "bathrooms" you figure Gomez just shits anywhere he pleases—like he does on the ice.

Read the ad below, it was in French until Google Translate spat out...something... and I cleaned it up:

For quick sale, one Scott Gomez, 1978 

For quick sale, one Scott Gomez, 1978, with an injury to the upper body, somewhere between the eyebrows and pubis.

The Scott Gomez comes with hands of cement, concrete contract, a wooden leg and Madelaine Mariton skates, skates Mariton Madelon. [Apparently Madelaine Mariton is a reference to a French drinking song about this messed up, ailing, peg-leg woman—so, I guess you can see how this is relevant. -ed.]

An offer not to be missed! Buy now, pay now and keep paying it later.

That's not all! Buy Scott Gomez in the next 10 minutes and get a bonus package of sticks, a pack of cards and a pack of troubles.

Still not convinced?

Ok, here's my final offer: Buy one Scott Gomez and get, absolutely free, a 1952 Jacques Martin with a slight manufacturing defect: his ears grow 2 times faster than his hair and three times faster than his nose. The Jacques Martin comes with 45 overtime losses spread over three years and a leprechaun hat.

What luck!
*This offer is valid for as long as it takes.

http://montreal.kijiji.ca/c-real-estate-apartments-condos-1-bedroom-den-Pour-vente-rapide-un-Scott-Gomez-1978-W0QQAdIdZ336402265

Geoff Molson to buy MLSE

Molson drunkenly explains his nefarious plan.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

TORONTO—Montreal Canadiens owner and beer tycoon Geoffrey Molson announced the purchase of MLSE, (Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment Ltd.) at a press conference this morning.

Molson’s acquisition of the Media corporation’s sixty-six percentage share establishes him as its majority owner, thus making him, perhaps, the most powerful individual in the Leafs’ organization.

Opponents of the sale claim there’s a fundamental conflict of interest in allowing an individual to possess two league franchises and cannot fathom why the NHL would agree to the sale. Commissioner Gary Bettman responded curtly, “If it’s not happening in Phoenix then I don’t give a shit!”

With two-thirds ownership, Molson’s boardroom votes dominate. He can virtually pass anything he proposes—and he has. Behind closed doors, Molson has already worked to dismantle the Board of Directors, ousting MLSE Chairman Larry Tanenbaum, and President and CEO, Richard Peddie—naming himself as their successor.

Molson was questioned as to whether he had plans to run the Maple Leafs himself, or if he would simply manage the financial and entertainment dealings. Molson responded, “Oh, I’ll run them alright, straight into the ground!” and proceeded to laugh manically, perched by a simulated fireplace in his new corporate office overlooking Toronto’s Financial District where, according to Molson, “the vile groundlings toil below.”

Molson, who was mildly disfigured in an accidental vat explosion as a child, is beginning to make his sinister intentions reality. Sources are saying all Leafs ticket prices will suddenly skyrocket to one million dollars per person, and that televised Leafs games will be blacked-out in the Toronto area.

Furthermore, Molson will abort Air Canada’s naming rights to the ACC and terminate their sponsorship in favour of renaming the arena the “Harold Ballard Forever Centre.” Molson has also vowed to change the Leafs iconic blue and white jerseys to a fluorescent yellow and green horizontal stripe pattern atop plaid. The famous Leafs crest will be replaced with a silhouette of Don Cherry and Doug Gilmour locked in a passionate embrace while giving the thumbs up.

To Toronto’s upper-crust that can still afford tickets, the HBF Centre will only provide Molson Kick on tap, while before every game, the national anthem will be attempted to be sung in French by Ashley Simpson with backup band Simple Plan. Additional arena modifications include stripping it of its seats and installing opaque plexiglass.

Molson also has plans to fire Leafs' GM Brian Burke and reinstating former manager John Ferguson Jr., and arrange the ceremonious jersey retirement of former Leafs Aki Berg and Dmitri Kristich.

Analysts estimate that over a six-month span, Molson’s sabotage would plummet MLSE’s enterprise value from 1.75 billon dollars down to a meager forty-three thousand, and render its brand equity virtually worthless.

Canadiens’ Gomez to open school of hockey, economics

Gomez winds up for one hell of a pass.
(Photo Source)

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

MONTREAL — Montreal Canadiens centre Scott Gomez announced Tuesday the opening of his new hockey school in his hometown of Anchorage, Alaska.

“Give and Go-mez” is already accepting young players from across North America. Those who have committed to the fifty-one million dollar registration fee will spend their next seven summers with the Calder Trophy winner.

“I really wanted to give back to the community and teach up-and-coming hockey youth the fundamentals,” said Gomez.

The program mainly consists of end-to-end rushes, slapshots from the neutral zone, no-look passing and waiting for the puck to come to you. The school’s curriculum also offers tutelage in hockey economics, specifically contract negotiation and extortion.

“These days, the game's also played in the GM’s office. Scott wanted to ensure these kids know the tricks of the trade so when the time comes, they can earn two or three times their worth,” commented Gomez’s agent Ian Pulver.

However, on the ice Gomez has been struggling. Though expectations may be unattainably high to justify his salary, Gomez’s offensive output has simply been abysmal. Thus far the Canadiens veteran has managed only a goal and two assists, but Gomez explains it’s all part of the game plan,

“If I conserve my energy and put up 70 points in 2014, I can get another 7 million out of [Glen] Sather. You have to think long-term.”

When asked if he had plans for other business ventures down the road Gomez replied,

Gomez will be back in inaction next Thursday night when the Canadiens play the Bruins.

Bionically rebuilt Markov may see action Friday (UPDATED)

Markov-7900 erroneously checks for the serial
number on a young human male.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

MONTREAL — Montreal Canadiens defenceman Andrei Markov could return to the Habs’ lineup Friday night after undergoing an experimental and revolutionary operation to repair a torn ACL he suffered during the second round of the 2010 playoffs.

“Basically we bionically reconstructed his ACL, knees, and ankles, then grafted his muscles to a synthetic titanium alloy frame. We also reinforced his shoulders so he can finally start body checking.” explained GM Pierre Gauthier.

Markov cannot return soon enough for the Canadiens’ struggling powerplay. Andrei is practicing with the team, however doctors and Canadian Space Agency scientists still need to run a few more tests.

“We’re not sure if Markov can sweat anymore. We need to monitor the effect any perspiration might have on his circuitry,” said team leader and head scout Trevor Timmons.

Some have raised concerns regarding how long the new Markov engine can go without lagging or even crashing under the duress of an NHL season.

“Markov’s running smoothly. Everything’s connected to his new central nervous system— an Intel Itanium 9300 processor,” said assistant coach Muller, “And Jacques can perform cerebral overrides manually from the bench whenever he needs to. We’ve even programmed French into Andrei’s language drive.”

No one doubts Markov’s value to the Canadiens, but Montreal media has criticized the Habs for investing this much in a single player, and have demanded to know the cost of such a radical operation.

“Well, I’m not going to get into specifics, but let’s just say it’s about eight Gomezes," commented Gauthier.

And it still remains to be seen how the revamped Markov will gel with his old teammates.

Defenceman Jaroslav Spacek confessed to Hockey Net,

Spacek isn’t the only one, and there are rumours surrounding the Canadiens camp as to what sort of Frankenstein Markov has become. Nevertheless, only time will tell.

The Canadiens expect to roll-out “Markov-7900” Friday against the Islanders.

UPDATE: Markov-7900 may be in dire need of repairs or replacement parts following a collision with Eric Staal in the third period of the Habs/Canes match up of November 13, 2010.