Geoff Molson to buy MLSE

Molson drunkenly explains his nefarious plan.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

TORONTO—Montreal Canadiens owner and beer tycoon Geoffrey Molson announced the purchase of MLSE, (Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment Ltd.) at a press conference this morning.

Molson’s acquisition of the Media corporation’s sixty-six percentage share establishes him as its majority owner, thus making him, perhaps, the most powerful individual in the Leafs’ organization.

Opponents of the sale claim there’s a fundamental conflict of interest in allowing an individual to possess two league franchises and cannot fathom why the NHL would agree to the sale. Commissioner Gary Bettman responded curtly, “If it’s not happening in Phoenix then I don’t give a shit!”

With two-thirds ownership, Molson’s boardroom votes dominate. He can virtually pass anything he proposes—and he has. Behind closed doors, Molson has already worked to dismantle the Board of Directors, ousting MLSE Chairman Larry Tanenbaum, and President and CEO, Richard Peddie—naming himself as their successor.

Molson was questioned as to whether he had plans to run the Maple Leafs himself, or if he would simply manage the financial and entertainment dealings. Molson responded, “Oh, I’ll run them alright, straight into the ground!” and proceeded to laugh manically, perched by a simulated fireplace in his new corporate office overlooking Toronto’s Financial District where, according to Molson, “the vile groundlings toil below.”

Molson, who was mildly disfigured in an accidental vat explosion as a child, is beginning to make his sinister intentions reality. Sources are saying all Leafs ticket prices will suddenly skyrocket to one million dollars per person, and that televised Leafs games will be blacked-out in the Toronto area.

Furthermore, Molson will abort Air Canada’s naming rights to the ACC and terminate their sponsorship in favour of renaming the arena the “Harold Ballard Forever Centre.” Molson has also vowed to change the Leafs iconic blue and white jerseys to a fluorescent yellow and green horizontal stripe pattern atop plaid. The famous Leafs crest will be replaced with a silhouette of Don Cherry and Doug Gilmour locked in a passionate embrace while giving the thumbs up.

To Toronto’s upper-crust that can still afford tickets, the HBF Centre will only provide Molson Kick on tap, while before every game, the national anthem will be attempted to be sung in French by Ashley Simpson with backup band Simple Plan. Additional arena modifications include stripping it of its seats and installing opaque plexiglass.

Molson also has plans to fire Leafs' GM Brian Burke and reinstating former manager John Ferguson Jr., and arrange the ceremonious jersey retirement of former Leafs Aki Berg and Dmitri Kristich.

Analysts estimate that over a six-month span, Molson’s sabotage would plummet MLSE’s enterprise value from 1.75 billon dollars down to a meager forty-three thousand, and render its brand equity virtually worthless.

Teammates say “Movember stache” changed Leafs’ Brown

Brown: the meanest sonovabitch in 30 counties?

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

TORONTO — Teammates claim Maple Leafs forward Mike Brown’s mustache had an adverse effect on his personality.

Brown and several other Leafs players participated in “Movember” to raise prostate cancer awareness. Brown’s Mustache quickly became a popular attraction, piquing the interest of media and fans alike.

However, teammates witnessed a rapid transformation from his once good-natured character into a brooding, boorish maverick. The Leafs attribute Brown’s depravity to his 19th century, western-inspired mustache.

“Mike was the nicest guy in the room, now he just sits by himself slamming shots of bourbon, dealing 5-card stud,” said forward Kris Versteeg.

Players and coaches are at a loss to explain the reasoning behind Brown’s condition. They remain concerned, yet the team says no one has tried to confront Brown.

“Everyone’s too afraid of him,” voiced centre Tyler Bozak, “He even put up his own ‘wanted dead or alive poster’ in the room and dared us to take him down.”

Leafs general manager Brian Burke told the media that Brown will be sitting down with the team’s psychiatrist. However, the organization remains deeply concerned as new incidents—including Brown’s continual reference to Toronto as “Dodge City,” and insistence on being paid in silver dollars—continue to persist.

When reporters asked Brown about his unusual conduct and why he believes the officials are, in fact, “sheriffs,” he barked, “What’s it to you, vermin?”

The Leafs stated they first recognized the problem in mid November when Brown started spitting chewing tobacco from the bench. Then the right winger took to the ice with spurs on his skates during the second period of a game versus the Stars.

Opposing players, or “outlaws” according to Brown, say they, too, are aware of the player’s transformation. New York Rangers enforcer Derek Boogaard quoted Brown claimed that “this city isn’t big enough for the both of us” before challenging Boogaard to a street fight at “high noon.” And Atlanta Thrashers captain Andrew Ladd revealed that prior to an opening face-off, Brown kept referring to the Thrashers’ Phillips Arena as a “ghost town.”

While management decides how to best handle the situation, some believe Brown’s condition may run it’s course, while others suggest it will eventually consume him in a fiery blaze of glory.

As Brown declares "Mocember" to be in full effect, the Leafs can only hope.

Leafs, Sens say “rivalry” growing tired

The Senators' Chris Neil and Leafs' Wade
Belak just going through the motions.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

TORONTO — Both Toronto Maple Leafs and Ottawa Senators’ players expressed today that the rivalry between them has run its course and they’re tired of being pigeonholed as bitter enemies by the media.

“We’re sick of everyone telling us how to feel and we’re not going to put up with this facade any longer," revealed Senators defenceman Chris Phillips.

At one time, the Leafs and Senators shared one of the most intense rivalries in sports, which stemmed from four consecutive Senators playoff defeats at the hands of their Ontario nemeses. Entire cities were pitted against each other as the Senators and Leafs battled throughout the decade and fans mercilessly jeered on. However, despite the NHL and media perception, the players say the animosity is over.

“We’re tired of conforming to societal expectations. It’s time to take a stand and say no. We refuse to be vilified and cast as mere archetypes,” stated Leafs forward Colby Armstrong.

With most of the original rivalry era players either deceased or crippled, Leafs and Sens players believe the history is gone and the NHL is fooling themselves, and fans, by continuing to hype a war long-forgotten by both sides. Sens’ captain Daniel Alfreddson spoke out,

A similar sentiment was echoed on the other side of the fence,

The truth is I have friends who are Senators, they are exemplary role-models. I strive to be like them, and when dark days are upon me, I ask myself, ‘what would Fisher do?’" admitted Leafs’ defenceman Mike Komisarek.

Both teams can try to shake their labels tonight in Toronto.

Leafs’ MacArthur On Pace For 102 Goals, Zero Friends

Clarke MacArthur tries to chat with standoffish
teammates Mikhail Grabovski and Fredrick
Sjostrom during practice on Sept. 19, 2010

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

TORONTO — With five goals and one assist after four games, Maple Leafs winger Clarke MacArthur is currently projected to reach 102 goals, while only setting up his teammates a paltry 20 times. A fact not unrecognized by his fellow players.

An only child from Lloydminster, Alberta, MacArthur is not accustomed to playing well with others — perhaps explaining why he’s already been traded three times in the span of four years.

“Oh he’s on pace alright...to be a selfish asshole.” quipped line-mate Mikhail Grabovski.

And the Belorussian centre isn’t the only one who has a bone to pick with MacArthur.

“The only pass I got from him was a blocked shot that came off a skate,” expressed winger Nikolai Kulemin, adding,

However, Leafs’ coach Ron Wilson sees the upside, “I’m thinking about just making him our entire second line, that way I can spread out the scoring.”

MacArthur will have his chance to make amends Monday as the Leafs host the Islanders.