Sens auditioning new heartthrobs after Fisher’s departure

To Sens fans, Fisher's voice sounds like unicorns puking rainbows.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

Ottawa—In the throes of the Mike Fisher trade that sent the Senators’ Adonis to Nashville, rendering Ottawa women everywhere emotionally void, the organization is left to decide who can step forward as the team’s next dreamboat.

“In the next couple days we’re staging auditions in the form of a pageant contest and talent show. It’s anybody’s best guess at this point.” commented Sens’ GM Bryan Murray.

Long the Sens’ sole monthly calender pin-up, Mike Fisher was sent to Nashville for a 2011 first round draft pick and a 2012 conditional selection—leaving the "face of the organization” position vacant.

Murray says it’s all part of the “hunk rebuilding plan,” “We’re going to take a good long look at the prospects this spring—no one’s really emerged as a number one yet. Our scouts are searching for the right combination of bone structure, complexion, eye colour and jawline definition before coming to a decision. Basically, we want the “McConaughey” that’s right for us, then we can build a new core of man-babes around him.”

“I ordered some new baby blue contacts so maybe I’ll have a shot,” said defenceman Jesse Winchester, “at least until I can get facial reconstructive surgery in the offseason.”

With Fisher gone, the Senators’ female fan attendance has plummeted. “It’s a medisterpølse fest out there,” said Danish forward Peter Regin, “Why am I even trying?” The Senators have already ruled out forwards Alex Kovalev, Chris Kelly, and Jarkko Ruuto, as well as defenceman Chris Campoli. Longtime Senator Chris Phillips was also considered too ugly until Murray re-signed “dirty uncle” to a three year contract.

The frontrunner could be the newly acquired Marek Svatos, a free agent pickup fresh off the runways of Slovakia. Still young, Svatos has been chronically injured throughout his career and the Sens’ management has mandated he wear a full face shield at all times. “We’ve got an investment to protect [in Svatos] and we can’t afford to have his mug end up like Nick Foligno’s,”explained coach Cory Clouston.

With the glory days of Fisher-fever behind them, the field is wide open for new blood to swoop in and steal the hearts of Ottawans. Pageant and talent show tickets can be pre-ordered at ottawasenators.com

Leafs, Sens say “rivalry” growing tired

The Senators' Chris Neil and Leafs' Wade
Belak just going through the motions.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

TORONTO — Both Toronto Maple Leafs and Ottawa Senators’ players expressed today that the rivalry between them has run its course and they’re tired of being pigeonholed as bitter enemies by the media.

“We’re sick of everyone telling us how to feel and we’re not going to put up with this facade any longer," revealed Senators defenceman Chris Phillips.

At one time, the Leafs and Senators shared one of the most intense rivalries in sports, which stemmed from four consecutive Senators playoff defeats at the hands of their Ontario nemeses. Entire cities were pitted against each other as the Senators and Leafs battled throughout the decade and fans mercilessly jeered on. However, despite the NHL and media perception, the players say the animosity is over.

“We’re tired of conforming to societal expectations. It’s time to take a stand and say no. We refuse to be vilified and cast as mere archetypes,” stated Leafs forward Colby Armstrong.

With most of the original rivalry era players either deceased or crippled, Leafs and Sens players believe the history is gone and the NHL is fooling themselves, and fans, by continuing to hype a war long-forgotten by both sides. Sens’ captain Daniel Alfreddson spoke out,

A similar sentiment was echoed on the other side of the fence,

The truth is I have friends who are Senators, they are exemplary role-models. I strive to be like them, and when dark days are upon me, I ask myself, ‘what would Fisher do?’" admitted Leafs’ defenceman Mike Komisarek.

Both teams can try to shake their labels tonight in Toronto.

Exclusive: Sens Discipline Neil Following Incidents of Locker Room Bullying (UPDATED)

#25 doing what he does best.

Hockey Net Exclusive

OTTAWA — Senators GM Bryan Murray summoned Chris Neil to his office this morning, addressing concerns that bullying in the Sens’ locker room has become a serious issue. Since the season opener on October 8th, Cory Clouston has received several troubling calls from the parents of younger players on the roster, including rookie Zack Smith's mother.

Coach Clouston has reportedly reprimanded the team's enforcer, revoking his zamboni-riding privileges and grounding Neil to his hotel room on road trips.

The bullying reportedly began with the throwing of hockey tape, but quickly escalated to wedgies and noogies. Erik Karlsson came forward as another victim of Neil's merciless torment, citing an incident on Saturday as the reason for breaking his silence. He had witnessed Neil giving Smith a "swirly" during the second intermission of Saturday's game against the Habs.

"An enforcer is supposed to look out for the guys on his team, not victimize them," Karlsson bravely asserted during an interview following Monday’s game against the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Mike Fisher reportedly advised the young guns to "turn the other cheek," but Smith's mother countered that the boys needed to stand up for themselves or else Neil would "never learn."

When captain Daniel Alfredsson caught wind of the allegations he issued a simple statement,

 Alfie tells Hockey Net he had a chat with Neil, and has been assured that the bad behaviour will not continue. He added that no one should have to face a bully alone, "Zack Smith did the right thing by telling his mom. I urge anyone out there who is dealing with a bully to tell a trusted adult."

Chris Neil was asked to apologize publicly, and complied, whining "sooorry!"

While the sincerity of Neil's statement is not evident, Clouston has sent a letter home to players' parents, assuring them that Neil's behaviour is being monitored, and that their boys are being looked after.

UPDATE: Zack Smith has been sent back to the Binghamton Senators, replaced by David Hale. [Oct. 20/10]