Sens auditioning new heartthrobs after Fisher’s departure

To Sens fans, Fisher's voice sounds like unicorns puking rainbows.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

Ottawa—In the throes of the Mike Fisher trade that sent the Senators’ Adonis to Nashville, rendering Ottawa women everywhere emotionally void, the organization is left to decide who can step forward as the team’s next dreamboat.

“In the next couple days we’re staging auditions in the form of a pageant contest and talent show. It’s anybody’s best guess at this point.” commented Sens’ GM Bryan Murray.

Long the Sens’ sole monthly calender pin-up, Mike Fisher was sent to Nashville for a 2011 first round draft pick and a 2012 conditional selection—leaving the "face of the organization” position vacant.

Murray says it’s all part of the “hunk rebuilding plan,” “We’re going to take a good long look at the prospects this spring—no one’s really emerged as a number one yet. Our scouts are searching for the right combination of bone structure, complexion, eye colour and jawline definition before coming to a decision. Basically, we want the “McConaughey” that’s right for us, then we can build a new core of man-babes around him.”

“I ordered some new baby blue contacts so maybe I’ll have a shot,” said defenceman Jesse Winchester, “at least until I can get facial reconstructive surgery in the offseason.”

With Fisher gone, the Senators’ female fan attendance has plummeted. “It’s a medisterpølse fest out there,” said Danish forward Peter Regin, “Why am I even trying?” The Senators have already ruled out forwards Alex Kovalev, Chris Kelly, and Jarkko Ruuto, as well as defenceman Chris Campoli. Longtime Senator Chris Phillips was also considered too ugly until Murray re-signed “dirty uncle” to a three year contract.

The frontrunner could be the newly acquired Marek Svatos, a free agent pickup fresh off the runways of Slovakia. Still young, Svatos has been chronically injured throughout his career and the Sens’ management has mandated he wear a full face shield at all times. “We’ve got an investment to protect [in Svatos] and we can’t afford to have his mug end up like Nick Foligno’s,”explained coach Cory Clouston.

With the glory days of Fisher-fever behind them, the field is wide open for new blood to swoop in and steal the hearts of Ottawans. Pageant and talent show tickets can be pre-ordered at ottawasenators.com

Sens GM to shake things up, trade Alfie

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

Sens GM Murray asks a ref what's wrong with his team.

OTTAWA — Ottawa Senators GM Bryan Murray told reporters today that would will trade the team’s most accomplished player, lifelong Senator Daniel Alfredsson to send his club a message.

“I’ll do it, don’t think I won’t — just try me” snapped Bryan “The Brain” Murray to reporters.

Although the Sens’ lackluster play has sent them to the basement of their division, one would assume that team captain and fan favourite, Daniel Afredsson would be the only Senator with job security — especially after recently recording his 1,000th career point. Bryan Murray feels differently.

“I don’t care if he has 2000 points. This team needs a wake-up call, and trading our franchise player is the best way to reinforce that I’m the General Manager.

Trade speculation has been growing around the Senators, and the pressure mounting on Murray as his off-season pick-ups, Gonchar and Kovalev, haven’t lived up to expectations. Murray’s options remain limited.

“Who else am I going to trade, Fisher? I can’t, even just the thought of it feels like sin. No — barring an Alfredsson trade, I don’t know how else to scare this team straight — unless I bring back Redden,” said Murray.

The backlash from Senators fans has reached dangerous new heights. They are threatening to start an online petition with the intent of blocking a potential Alfredsson trade.

Ottawa Senators owner Eugene Melnyk weighed-in from his Barbados home,

Eagles or not, Murray will run out of patience if the Senators “Take it Easy” against the Coyotes Tonight.

Exclusive: Sens Discipline Neil Following Incidents of Locker Room Bullying (UPDATED)

#25 doing what he does best.

Hockey Net Exclusive

OTTAWA — Senators GM Bryan Murray summoned Chris Neil to his office this morning, addressing concerns that bullying in the Sens’ locker room has become a serious issue. Since the season opener on October 8th, Cory Clouston has received several troubling calls from the parents of younger players on the roster, including rookie Zack Smith's mother.

Coach Clouston has reportedly reprimanded the team's enforcer, revoking his zamboni-riding privileges and grounding Neil to his hotel room on road trips.

The bullying reportedly began with the throwing of hockey tape, but quickly escalated to wedgies and noogies. Erik Karlsson came forward as another victim of Neil's merciless torment, citing an incident on Saturday as the reason for breaking his silence. He had witnessed Neil giving Smith a "swirly" during the second intermission of Saturday's game against the Habs.

"An enforcer is supposed to look out for the guys on his team, not victimize them," Karlsson bravely asserted during an interview following Monday’s game against the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Mike Fisher reportedly advised the young guns to "turn the other cheek," but Smith's mother countered that the boys needed to stand up for themselves or else Neil would "never learn."

When captain Daniel Alfredsson caught wind of the allegations he issued a simple statement,

 Alfie tells Hockey Net he had a chat with Neil, and has been assured that the bad behaviour will not continue. He added that no one should have to face a bully alone, "Zack Smith did the right thing by telling his mom. I urge anyone out there who is dealing with a bully to tell a trusted adult."

Chris Neil was asked to apologize publicly, and complied, whining "sooorry!"

While the sincerity of Neil's statement is not evident, Clouston has sent a letter home to players' parents, assuring them that Neil's behaviour is being monitored, and that their boys are being looked after.

UPDATE: Zack Smith has been sent back to the Binghamton Senators, replaced by David Hale. [Oct. 20/10]