Flames address scoring, bring back Amonte, Bure

Sutter practices his Russian.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

CALGARY — Calgary Flames GM Darryl Sutter has decided to coax former Flames Tony Amonte and Valeri Bure out of retirement in the hopes of igniting some offense.

“We need goals and these guys were the best free-agents available,” explained Sutter to bewildered reporters at a press conference earlier today. “Amonte had eighty-four points in 2000 and Valeri is still Pavel Bure’s brother,” added Sutter.

Sutter made similar controversy last offseason as he re-signed ex-Flames Oli Jokinen and Alex Tanguay, moves that had fans and media questioning his leadership. Sutter explained the Flames’ offensive ineptitude has left him with no choice, unless he wants to be replaced by one of his brothers.

“Bringing in Amonte and Pavel’s brother will really get our asses in gear and we were able to get them at a lower price than before," stated Sutter.

However, the pressure Sutter faces has not subsided, especially with Jokinen underperforming again and Tanguay appearing as though he won’t regain his eighty-point form; even the Flames’ offensive franchise leader, Jarome Iginla, can’t find the back of the net. “I also called Oleg Saprykin, but I don’t think he understood my Russian,” commented Sutter.

Darryl Sutter’s brother and Flames’ coach Brent admitted he has had his own difficulties with the team, especially Iginla. Sutter expressed that he’s tried everything he can to scare the Flames straight, ”I’ve threatened to take away their TV and Facebook privileges, instituted an earlier curfew and flogged them with my belt — nothing seems to work,” he grumbled,

As stoic as he may appear, Darryl Sutter has been showing signs of stress. Wednesday, the media suggested that it was time for the Flames to inject new life into the roster and give some of their prospects a chance. Sutter became noticeably agitated,

“Don't you get? We made them all up! Backlund’s a surfer from San Diego, his real name’s Michael Backshaw and Greg Nemisz is 32-years old. No, we have to move forward with Amonte and Pavel’s brother.”

The new and improved Flames look to beat the Coyotes Tonight night in Phoenix.

Leafs’ MacArthur On Pace For 102 Goals, Zero Friends

Clarke MacArthur tries to chat with standoffish
teammates Mikhail Grabovski and Fredrick
Sjostrom during practice on Sept. 19, 2010

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

TORONTO — With five goals and one assist after four games, Maple Leafs winger Clarke MacArthur is currently projected to reach 102 goals, while only setting up his teammates a paltry 20 times. A fact not unrecognized by his fellow players.

An only child from Lloydminster, Alberta, MacArthur is not accustomed to playing well with others — perhaps explaining why he’s already been traded three times in the span of four years.

“Oh he’s on pace alright...to be a selfish asshole.” quipped line-mate Mikhail Grabovski.

And the Belorussian centre isn’t the only one who has a bone to pick with MacArthur.

“The only pass I got from him was a blocked shot that came off a skate,” expressed winger Nikolai Kulemin, adding,

However, Leafs’ coach Ron Wilson sees the upside, “I’m thinking about just making him our entire second line, that way I can spread out the scoring.”

MacArthur will have his chance to make amends Monday as the Leafs host the Islanders.