Montreal Doesn't Know What To Do With Scott Gomez, So Someone Put Him On Kijiji

Blair Charbonneau, via Kijiji

Someone in Montreal is trying to rid the Canadiens of Scott Gomez by selling him—or maybe just his place?— on Kijiji's Real Estate section. Specifically, the ad lists a one bedroom apartment, furnished, with a den.

The catch might be that the "Alaskan Mystery" comes with it. But if you're on the fence, you can get a free Jaques Martin too! Asking price? $29.99, which is still a bit much for damaged goods. On the plus side, the ad claims there are 6 or more bathrooms—so there's that. Unless by "bathrooms" you figure Gomez just shits anywhere he pleases—like he does on the ice.

Read the ad below, it was in French until Google Translate spat out...something... and I cleaned it up:

For quick sale, one Scott Gomez, 1978 

For quick sale, one Scott Gomez, 1978, with an injury to the upper body, somewhere between the eyebrows and pubis.

The Scott Gomez comes with hands of cement, concrete contract, a wooden leg and Madelaine Mariton skates, skates Mariton Madelon. [Apparently Madelaine Mariton is a reference to a French drinking song about this messed up, ailing, peg-leg woman—so, I guess you can see how this is relevant. -ed.]

An offer not to be missed! Buy now, pay now and keep paying it later.

That's not all! Buy Scott Gomez in the next 10 minutes and get a bonus package of sticks, a pack of cards and a pack of troubles.

Still not convinced?

Ok, here's my final offer: Buy one Scott Gomez and get, absolutely free, a 1952 Jacques Martin with a slight manufacturing defect: his ears grow 2 times faster than his hair and three times faster than his nose. The Jacques Martin comes with 45 overtime losses spread over three years and a leprechaun hat.

What luck!
*This offer is valid for as long as it takes.

http://montreal.kijiji.ca/c-real-estate-apartments-condos-1-bedroom-den-Pour-vente-rapide-un-Scott-Gomez-1978-W0QQAdIdZ336402265

Bionically rebuilt Markov may see action Friday (UPDATED)

Markov-7900 erroneously checks for the serial
number on a young human male.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

MONTREAL — Montreal Canadiens defenceman Andrei Markov could return to the Habs’ lineup Friday night after undergoing an experimental and revolutionary operation to repair a torn ACL he suffered during the second round of the 2010 playoffs.

“Basically we bionically reconstructed his ACL, knees, and ankles, then grafted his muscles to a synthetic titanium alloy frame. We also reinforced his shoulders so he can finally start body checking.” explained GM Pierre Gauthier.

Markov cannot return soon enough for the Canadiens’ struggling powerplay. Andrei is practicing with the team, however doctors and Canadian Space Agency scientists still need to run a few more tests.

“We’re not sure if Markov can sweat anymore. We need to monitor the effect any perspiration might have on his circuitry,” said team leader and head scout Trevor Timmons.

Some have raised concerns regarding how long the new Markov engine can go without lagging or even crashing under the duress of an NHL season.

“Markov’s running smoothly. Everything’s connected to his new central nervous system— an Intel Itanium 9300 processor,” said assistant coach Muller, “And Jacques can perform cerebral overrides manually from the bench whenever he needs to. We’ve even programmed French into Andrei’s language drive.”

No one doubts Markov’s value to the Canadiens, but Montreal media has criticized the Habs for investing this much in a single player, and have demanded to know the cost of such a radical operation.

“Well, I’m not going to get into specifics, but let’s just say it’s about eight Gomezes," commented Gauthier.

And it still remains to be seen how the revamped Markov will gel with his old teammates.

Defenceman Jaroslav Spacek confessed to Hockey Net,

Spacek isn’t the only one, and there are rumours surrounding the Canadiens camp as to what sort of Frankenstein Markov has become. Nevertheless, only time will tell.

The Canadiens expect to roll-out “Markov-7900” Friday against the Islanders.

UPDATE: Markov-7900 may be in dire need of repairs or replacement parts following a collision with Eric Staal in the third period of the Habs/Canes match up of November 13, 2010.