Corruption scandal taints Johnson vs. Dipietro

Rick "Glassman" Dipietro takes one for... well, nobody.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

NEW YORK—Scandal broke this morning after allegations of corruption concerning last week’s highly anticipated Dipietro versus Johnson bout for the NHL’s heavyweight goalie title.

NHL fight promoter Don Cherry denies the match was fixed, yet undisclosed sources claim they have inside information suggesting Islanders goalie and rehabilitation guru Rick Dipietro was instructed to dive early in the first round.

To the dismay of blood-thirsty fans, Diepietro was “K.O.ed” by the Penguins’ Brent Johnson on the fight’s first punch—provoking some to cry the confrontation was staged from the beginning.

Dipietro was favoured at the weigh-in with a ten pound advantage over Johnson—despite Johnson’s superior reach. The scrap was predicted to last beyond the one minute and thirty second mark until Johnson’s left-handed haymaker left Diepietro in a cloudy mental state similar to the one he uses to play goal—or so the league claims.

According to injury reports, Dipietro suffered facial fractures that will keep him out for up to six weeks, yet others believe the Isles’ netminder is fine and that the NHL wants him to lay low concerning the corruption allegations.

“What? Dipietro’s out? Holy shit, you don’t say? Hey, everybody guess what, Rick’s injured! Man, I woulda thought that impossible, what with his titanium-alloy frame and everything,” quipped a facetious Trevor Gilles to the press.

True or not, these accusations are yet another blemish on a sport once widely watched and respected for its goalie bouts. Long gone is the heyday of goalie fighting, when thousands gathered to cheer the “golden era” of heavyweight Goliaths like Hextall vs. Potvin, and Roy vs. Osgood or even the short, furious reign of “Sugar” Ray Emery. All goalie fighting fans can look forward to in the modern day are inexperienced amateurs looking to make a name for themselves and overzealous promoters looking to bring goalie fighting back into public consciousness any way they can.

“It’s a disgrace, a once-proud aspect of our game has died. Also, I lost a lot of money—I mean a lot,” confessed former NHL coach and player Rick Tocchet.

As cash wouldn’t be enough incentive for Dipietro to go down easy, sources contend motivation came in the form of a free ticket out of Long Island—to defect wherever he chose.

Since Johnson’s uncontested win, he participated in a second fight only days later—a sort of tag-team brawl between Johnson, teammate Eric Godard, and the Islanders’ Micheal Haley. Even though it was a draw, it sparks the hope that maybe we’re seeing the emergence of a new class of heavyweights, ones to channel the passion of the legends of old. One can only hope—unless your name is Rick.

Islanders hope latest signing won’t haunt them for fifteen years

Dipietro directs A-1 movers to bring his recliner into the crease.
(Photo Credit)

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

NEW YORK — In what has likely been their best signing in over two decades, the New York Islanders announced A-1 First Class – Viking Moving and Storage, Inc. as the team’s official moving company.

A-1 First Class president Matthew Schwartzberg said his Long Island organization was proud to be the Islanders’ latest corporate partner, “Well, the Mets, Jets, Knicks and Giants said no, but, hey, everyone likes hockey right?” adding, “Do the Islanders still have that Bossy guy?”

The new sponsorship includes a promotion available to season ticket holders who receive a one-time move out of Long Island, free of charge. Islanders GM Garth Snow wanted extend the promotional offer to some of his players as well,

“We’d like to remind Schremp that if he doesn’t start playing some defense, A-1 will ship him outta here — just like Tambellini.”

A-1 is also offering fans a seat-upgrade promotion called “Movin’ on Up” where lucky fans in the upper bowls of Nassau Coliseum will be invited to take their pick from the more expensive and frequently available seats below.

In addition, a “Spotted on the Move” truck-sight contest will give fans the opportunity to win Islanders tickets by spotting Rick Dipietro riding shotgun on selected A-1 First Class vehicles. “Garth says I have to start earning my paycheck, so I’m working my way up from here,” commented Dipietro.

And in an effort to give back to the Long Island community, A-1 will be welcoming new Long Island residents with special packages which include a New York travel guide, an autographed poster of Zenon Kenopka, and free Islanders playoff tickets.

With the New York Islanders and A-1 partnership solidified, Schwartzberg expressed his excitement for the future,

The Islanders face-off against the Flyers tonight.

Isles’ Wisniewski Suspended For Demonstrating How To Eat Long Island Street Meat

Matt Moulson (left) expresses delight at James Wisniewski's charades
prowess as Sean Avery and two equally impressed officials look on.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

NEW YORK — New York Islanders defenceman James Wisniewski has been suspended two games for a gesture made during Monday's game against the New York Rangers.

During the first period, Wisniewski and Rangers’ forward Sean Avery were conversing near the Islanders’ goal; the discourse culminated with Wisniewski demonstrating the best way to eat one of Long Island’s famous franks.

Soon after the game, Colin Campbell, Director of Hockey Operations, handed down a
two-game suspension.

“I didn’t know Colin was vegetarian.” Wisniewski said to reporters, adding “I figured no one would notice at a home game.”

No stranger to controversy, Avery was grateful not to be on the receiving end of Campbell’s long “tofu-arm” of the law. When asked about the incident, Avery explained,

NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman was in attendance at the time, but told reporters he missed the incident because he was checking the over/under for the Heat game on his Blackberry.”

Wisniewski will be eligible to return on Saturday at home against the Colorado Avalanche.