Matt Cooke launches PR campaign for Lady Byng consideration

"For me? You shouldn't have!"

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

PITTSBURGH—Penguins’ player Matt Cooke has plastered major cities across North America with an extensive Public Relations campaign positioning him as a leading candidate for this year’s Lady Byng trophy.

Traditionally awarded to the NHL’s most gentlemanly player, the Lady Byng prize has eluded Cooke in all of his twelve seasons. The Belleville native says after waiting patiently for the honour never to come, it’s time he pursued his due more aggressively.
The “Cooke re-brand” centers around such slogans as, “Think about the guys I didn’t hit,” and “Keep your head up for kindness!”

An effort three months in the making, Cooke has hired a prestigious New York PR firm and a team of spin doctors to re-mold his notorious public image. The all-out media blitz includes press releases, T.V. and radio ads, bus posters and plenty of online content.

One such commercial features an anxious Marc Savard testifying to the generosity of Cooke’s character, proclaiming, “Matt never gave me a concussion, I fell down some stairs before the game,” while another shows Cooke assisting an elderly woman to cross the street before she graciously turns back to present him with the Lady Byng hardware.

And not to mention the massive billboards, where—in the downtown core of Philadelphia, for example—every morning citizens wake up to a sunlit, smiling Cooke greeting Philadelphians with phrases like, “Good morning my brothers,” and “Beautiful day to win the Lady Byng.”

On the social media front, a new Matt Cooke facebook fan page is being heavily promoted and Cooke is especially visible on his Twitter account, posting frequent updates, “Just ordered new super-soft Nerf elbow-pads,” and “Giving out free visors before tonight’s game!“ to name a few. He's also displayed an affinity for emoticons, thus far.

To coincide with the advertising, is a Matt Cooke lobby group made up of fourteen-year-old girls with Tumblr accounts. The “Cooke-oos” have been following the Penguins across the continent, supporting the cause by brandishing homemade signs, T-shirts, and pins that read “Cooke knows how to treat a lady” and “Marty Louis is no Saint.”

“Those girls are no joke,” revealed Flyers forward Scott Hartnell, “I walked past them and called Cooke a prick then they spat on me, pulled my hair and said I was too fat to ever win the Lady Byng. I had to kick my way out, it was like playing the Habs.”

Even Cooke's Wikipedia page is receiving a facelift, as he encourages his many fans to help rid the entry of unjust slander against him. Byng rivals Marty St. Louis and Pavel Datsyuk have launched an all out offensive, editing his entry to include falsehoods such as "His playing style has earned him a reputation of being a "pest" and he is therefore known for his ability to aggravate opponents." Cooke's fans have sworn to continue to defend his tarnished reputation, and sent the following screen-capture of his Wikipedia page.

Click to enlarge

Expect the Cooke saturation to only pick up steam in the weeks to come.

Corruption scandal taints Johnson vs. Dipietro

Rick "Glassman" Dipietro takes one for... well, nobody.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

NEW YORK—Scandal broke this morning after allegations of corruption concerning last week’s highly anticipated Dipietro versus Johnson bout for the NHL’s heavyweight goalie title.

NHL fight promoter Don Cherry denies the match was fixed, yet undisclosed sources claim they have inside information suggesting Islanders goalie and rehabilitation guru Rick Dipietro was instructed to dive early in the first round.

To the dismay of blood-thirsty fans, Diepietro was “K.O.ed” by the Penguins’ Brent Johnson on the fight’s first punch—provoking some to cry the confrontation was staged from the beginning.

Dipietro was favoured at the weigh-in with a ten pound advantage over Johnson—despite Johnson’s superior reach. The scrap was predicted to last beyond the one minute and thirty second mark until Johnson’s left-handed haymaker left Diepietro in a cloudy mental state similar to the one he uses to play goal—or so the league claims.

According to injury reports, Dipietro suffered facial fractures that will keep him out for up to six weeks, yet others believe the Isles’ netminder is fine and that the NHL wants him to lay low concerning the corruption allegations.

“What? Dipietro’s out? Holy shit, you don’t say? Hey, everybody guess what, Rick’s injured! Man, I woulda thought that impossible, what with his titanium-alloy frame and everything,” quipped a facetious Trevor Gilles to the press.

True or not, these accusations are yet another blemish on a sport once widely watched and respected for its goalie bouts. Long gone is the heyday of goalie fighting, when thousands gathered to cheer the “golden era” of heavyweight Goliaths like Hextall vs. Potvin, and Roy vs. Osgood or even the short, furious reign of “Sugar” Ray Emery. All goalie fighting fans can look forward to in the modern day are inexperienced amateurs looking to make a name for themselves and overzealous promoters looking to bring goalie fighting back into public consciousness any way they can.

“It’s a disgrace, a once-proud aspect of our game has died. Also, I lost a lot of money—I mean a lot,” confessed former NHL coach and player Rick Tocchet.

As cash wouldn’t be enough incentive for Dipietro to go down easy, sources contend motivation came in the form of a free ticket out of Long Island—to defect wherever he chose.

Since Johnson’s uncontested win, he participated in a second fight only days later—a sort of tag-team brawl between Johnson, teammate Eric Godard, and the Islanders’ Micheal Haley. Even though it was a draw, it sparks the hope that maybe we’re seeing the emergence of a new class of heavyweights, ones to channel the passion of the legends of old. One can only hope—unless your name is Rick.