Canucks’ GM Gillis, stats team, ready for Predators

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

Gillis tasks his research team with looking into Nashville's sea elevation.

VANCOUVER—Promptly after stepping off his soapbox before the Canucks' final game of their series against the Chicago Blackhawks, GM Mike Gillis and his crack statisticians team prepared themselves for a second round matchup versus the Nashville Predators.

This morning, Vancouver media leaked a preliminary list from Gillis’ desk of potential series advantages:

• Pacific Standard time affects Vancouver 100% more than Nashville
• 94% of Shea Weber’s beard should be considered too barbed for physical contact
• 89% of Tennesseans confuse defenceman Kevin Klein with actor Kevin Kline—creating a
  manufactured air of celebrity.
• Direct eye-contact with Mike Fisher is disarming 75% of the time
• 51% of Blake Geoffrion’s DNA is in the Hall of Fame
• Mesmerizing O’s make up 41% of Jordin Tootoo’s name
• 32% of Carrie Underwood’s lyrics can be ominously interpreted when played 
backwards
• Continental drift is responsible for 13% of Vancouver’s squandered breakaways
• 11% of seizures are attributed to the Predators’ colour scheme and logo design
• 4% of Predators’ players are considered “stars”—deciding who to shadow is nearly impossible
• 1.4% of Barry Trotz is neck, dramatizing his intimidating demeanor

Sources claim Gillis and his team are putting together a Powerpoint presentation and will present these inequitable issues in colourful pie chart and line graph forms.

Inexperienced Predators anxious to win Lombardi Trophy

The Preds can't wait to carve their names all over this.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net Blog

NASHVILLE—After taking a 2-1 series lead against the Anaheim Ducks Sunday, the Nashville Predators have their eyes set on the prize—the Vince Lombardi Trophy.

“I know we’ve never won a playoff series, and most of these guys have barely played in the post season” said long-time Pred Steve Sullivan, “But we can feel it. This is the year Lombardi comes to Nashville.” Sullivan said with a glimmer in his eye.

The Predators await the sweat-stained, salty taste of victory. Dreaming of a celebration at centre ice, no longer necessary, gloves and sticks are thrown down like swords and shields after the battle. Confetti rains down. Photographers and media members rush in, blanketing the ice in a mesh of fabric, looking to get a glimpse of the Predators basking in Lombardi’s golden glow.

Suddenly a primal scream pierces the air, “I’m going to Disney Land!” a grizzled, trophy-holding Shea Weber shouts at the sky. And in this moment, the Nashville Predators know it was meant to be.