Canucks’ GM Gillis, stats team, ready for Predators

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

Gillis tasks his research team with looking into Nashville's sea elevation.

VANCOUVER—Promptly after stepping off his soapbox before the Canucks' final game of their series against the Chicago Blackhawks, GM Mike Gillis and his crack statisticians team prepared themselves for a second round matchup versus the Nashville Predators.

This morning, Vancouver media leaked a preliminary list from Gillis’ desk of potential series advantages:

• Pacific Standard time affects Vancouver 100% more than Nashville
• 94% of Shea Weber’s beard should be considered too barbed for physical contact
• 89% of Tennesseans confuse defenceman Kevin Klein with actor Kevin Kline—creating a
  manufactured air of celebrity.
• Direct eye-contact with Mike Fisher is disarming 75% of the time
• 51% of Blake Geoffrion’s DNA is in the Hall of Fame
• Mesmerizing O’s make up 41% of Jordin Tootoo’s name
• 32% of Carrie Underwood’s lyrics can be ominously interpreted when played 
backwards
• Continental drift is responsible for 13% of Vancouver’s squandered breakaways
• 11% of seizures are attributed to the Predators’ colour scheme and logo design
• 4% of Predators’ players are considered “stars”—deciding who to shadow is nearly impossible
• 1.4% of Barry Trotz is neck, dramatizing his intimidating demeanor

Sources claim Gillis and his team are putting together a Powerpoint presentation and will present these inequitable issues in colourful pie chart and line graph forms.

Inexperienced Predators anxious to win Lombardi Trophy

The Preds can't wait to carve their names all over this.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net Blog

NASHVILLE—After taking a 2-1 series lead against the Anaheim Ducks Sunday, the Nashville Predators have their eyes set on the prize—the Vince Lombardi Trophy.

“I know we’ve never won a playoff series, and most of these guys have barely played in the post season” said long-time Pred Steve Sullivan, “But we can feel it. This is the year Lombardi comes to Nashville.” Sullivan said with a glimmer in his eye.

The Predators await the sweat-stained, salty taste of victory. Dreaming of a celebration at centre ice, no longer necessary, gloves and sticks are thrown down like swords and shields after the battle. Confetti rains down. Photographers and media members rush in, blanketing the ice in a mesh of fabric, looking to get a glimpse of the Predators basking in Lombardi’s golden glow.

Suddenly a primal scream pierces the air, “I’m going to Disney Land!” a grizzled, trophy-holding Shea Weber shouts at the sky. And in this moment, the Nashville Predators know it was meant to be.

Panthers strike, say they won’t report to playoffs.

Florida may no longer be the hockey-topia we thought it was.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

MIAMI—At nine o’clock this morning, the Florida Panthers players orchestrated a work stoppage. The team is refusing to practice at the Sunrise Retirement and Vitality Resort, the coastal suburban seniors residence and arena at which they play.

Veteran forward and Panthers Worker Coalition Association representative Marty Reasoner confirmed the statement. He affirms that the players will not report to the remaining four regular season games or the playoffs—despite not being eligible.

“Seventy-eight games is enough, the oppression will go no further,” shouted a megaphone-holding Reasoner. Meanwhile, David Booth spray-painted “To hell with the playoffs!” on the windows of the team bus.

All thirty-three players assembled in the arena parking lot, picketing and chanting awkwardly rhymed slogans. Including "Hey hey—ho ho! Florida Panther's management needs to wake up and realize they can't take advantage of us anymo'!" and "The Panthers! United! Will never be defeated!"

A group of onlookers watched in perplexity as an effigy of Stanley C. Panther, team mascot, burned. “Stanley was a symbol of tyranny and injustice! We will not let him and the Panthers' organization debase us any longer!”

The Panthers players have filed numerous grievances against management and the NHL. Players have cited extensive workplace violations, demanding fair compensation and improved working conditions.

Forward Rostislav Olesz, who suffered a minor knee injury in February, was denied worker’s compensation and was advised by head coach Peter De Boer simply to “suck it up and play.” Olesz was unable to, as the injury likely required surgery. Instead, Olesz was replaced, or “refreshed,” by Panthers management with the younger and lesser paid scab, Evgeny Dadonov.

Centre Stephen Weiss complained that he routinely works triple shifts without receiving overtime pay. “Coach puts me out every chance he gets, I play forty minutes a game! I say I can’t do it and he tells me, ‘if you don’t, I’ll make you captain.’”

“I’m so tired, half the time I don’t even realize I’m shadowing Samsonov.”

Furthermore, goaltender Tomas Vokoun grieved that the sloppy nature of the Panthers’ defence corps constituted unfair working conditions. “I have to stop fifty shots a game, I’m forced to twist around in abnormal ways,” commented Vokoun, ”I’ve been here four years and [management] hasn’t done a thing about it.”

Panthers general manager, Dale Tallon, denies any wrongdoing on the organization’s part. Tallon claims if the players aren’t willing to honour their duties and report to work, the Panthers will hire area high school players, and that to ticketholders the difference would be trivial.