Matt Cooke launches PR campaign for Lady Byng consideration

"For me? You shouldn't have!"

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

PITTSBURGH—Penguins’ player Matt Cooke has plastered major cities across North America with an extensive Public Relations campaign positioning him as a leading candidate for this year’s Lady Byng trophy.

Traditionally awarded to the NHL’s most gentlemanly player, the Lady Byng prize has eluded Cooke in all of his twelve seasons. The Belleville native says after waiting patiently for the honour never to come, it’s time he pursued his due more aggressively.
The “Cooke re-brand” centers around such slogans as, “Think about the guys I didn’t hit,” and “Keep your head up for kindness!”

An effort three months in the making, Cooke has hired a prestigious New York PR firm and a team of spin doctors to re-mold his notorious public image. The all-out media blitz includes press releases, T.V. and radio ads, bus posters and plenty of online content.

One such commercial features an anxious Marc Savard testifying to the generosity of Cooke’s character, proclaiming, “Matt never gave me a concussion, I fell down some stairs before the game,” while another shows Cooke assisting an elderly woman to cross the street before she graciously turns back to present him with the Lady Byng hardware.

And not to mention the massive billboards, where—in the downtown core of Philadelphia, for example—every morning citizens wake up to a sunlit, smiling Cooke greeting Philadelphians with phrases like, “Good morning my brothers,” and “Beautiful day to win the Lady Byng.”

On the social media front, a new Matt Cooke facebook fan page is being heavily promoted and Cooke is especially visible on his Twitter account, posting frequent updates, “Just ordered new super-soft Nerf elbow-pads,” and “Giving out free visors before tonight’s game!“ to name a few. He's also displayed an affinity for emoticons, thus far.

To coincide with the advertising, is a Matt Cooke lobby group made up of fourteen-year-old girls with Tumblr accounts. The “Cooke-oos” have been following the Penguins across the continent, supporting the cause by brandishing homemade signs, T-shirts, and pins that read “Cooke knows how to treat a lady” and “Marty Louis is no Saint.”

“Those girls are no joke,” revealed Flyers forward Scott Hartnell, “I walked past them and called Cooke a prick then they spat on me, pulled my hair and said I was too fat to ever win the Lady Byng. I had to kick my way out, it was like playing the Habs.”

Even Cooke's Wikipedia page is receiving a facelift, as he encourages his many fans to help rid the entry of unjust slander against him. Byng rivals Marty St. Louis and Pavel Datsyuk have launched an all out offensive, editing his entry to include falsehoods such as "His playing style has earned him a reputation of being a "pest" and he is therefore known for his ability to aggravate opponents." Cooke's fans have sworn to continue to defend his tarnished reputation, and sent the following screen-capture of his Wikipedia page.

Click to enlarge

Expect the Cooke saturation to only pick up steam in the weeks to come.

Sens auditioning new heartthrobs after Fisher’s departure

To Sens fans, Fisher's voice sounds like unicorns puking rainbows.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

Ottawa—In the throes of the Mike Fisher trade that sent the Senators’ Adonis to Nashville, rendering Ottawa women everywhere emotionally void, the organization is left to decide who can step forward as the team’s next dreamboat.

“In the next couple days we’re staging auditions in the form of a pageant contest and talent show. It’s anybody’s best guess at this point.” commented Sens’ GM Bryan Murray.

Long the Sens’ sole monthly calender pin-up, Mike Fisher was sent to Nashville for a 2011 first round draft pick and a 2012 conditional selection—leaving the "face of the organization” position vacant.

Murray says it’s all part of the “hunk rebuilding plan,” “We’re going to take a good long look at the prospects this spring—no one’s really emerged as a number one yet. Our scouts are searching for the right combination of bone structure, complexion, eye colour and jawline definition before coming to a decision. Basically, we want the “McConaughey” that’s right for us, then we can build a new core of man-babes around him.”

“I ordered some new baby blue contacts so maybe I’ll have a shot,” said defenceman Jesse Winchester, “at least until I can get facial reconstructive surgery in the offseason.”

With Fisher gone, the Senators’ female fan attendance has plummeted. “It’s a medisterpølse fest out there,” said Danish forward Peter Regin, “Why am I even trying?” The Senators have already ruled out forwards Alex Kovalev, Chris Kelly, and Jarkko Ruuto, as well as defenceman Chris Campoli. Longtime Senator Chris Phillips was also considered too ugly until Murray re-signed “dirty uncle” to a three year contract.

The frontrunner could be the newly acquired Marek Svatos, a free agent pickup fresh off the runways of Slovakia. Still young, Svatos has been chronically injured throughout his career and the Sens’ management has mandated he wear a full face shield at all times. “We’ve got an investment to protect [in Svatos] and we can’t afford to have his mug end up like Nick Foligno’s,”explained coach Cory Clouston.

With the glory days of Fisher-fever behind them, the field is wide open for new blood to swoop in and steal the hearts of Ottawans. Pageant and talent show tickets can be pre-ordered at ottawasenators.com

Corruption scandal taints Johnson vs. Dipietro

Rick "Glassman" Dipietro takes one for... well, nobody.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

NEW YORK—Scandal broke this morning after allegations of corruption concerning last week’s highly anticipated Dipietro versus Johnson bout for the NHL’s heavyweight goalie title.

NHL fight promoter Don Cherry denies the match was fixed, yet undisclosed sources claim they have inside information suggesting Islanders goalie and rehabilitation guru Rick Dipietro was instructed to dive early in the first round.

To the dismay of blood-thirsty fans, Diepietro was “K.O.ed” by the Penguins’ Brent Johnson on the fight’s first punch—provoking some to cry the confrontation was staged from the beginning.

Dipietro was favoured at the weigh-in with a ten pound advantage over Johnson—despite Johnson’s superior reach. The scrap was predicted to last beyond the one minute and thirty second mark until Johnson’s left-handed haymaker left Diepietro in a cloudy mental state similar to the one he uses to play goal—or so the league claims.

According to injury reports, Dipietro suffered facial fractures that will keep him out for up to six weeks, yet others believe the Isles’ netminder is fine and that the NHL wants him to lay low concerning the corruption allegations.

“What? Dipietro’s out? Holy shit, you don’t say? Hey, everybody guess what, Rick’s injured! Man, I woulda thought that impossible, what with his titanium-alloy frame and everything,” quipped a facetious Trevor Gilles to the press.

True or not, these accusations are yet another blemish on a sport once widely watched and respected for its goalie bouts. Long gone is the heyday of goalie fighting, when thousands gathered to cheer the “golden era” of heavyweight Goliaths like Hextall vs. Potvin, and Roy vs. Osgood or even the short, furious reign of “Sugar” Ray Emery. All goalie fighting fans can look forward to in the modern day are inexperienced amateurs looking to make a name for themselves and overzealous promoters looking to bring goalie fighting back into public consciousness any way they can.

“It’s a disgrace, a once-proud aspect of our game has died. Also, I lost a lot of money—I mean a lot,” confessed former NHL coach and player Rick Tocchet.

As cash wouldn’t be enough incentive for Dipietro to go down easy, sources contend motivation came in the form of a free ticket out of Long Island—to defect wherever he chose.

Since Johnson’s uncontested win, he participated in a second fight only days later—a sort of tag-team brawl between Johnson, teammate Eric Godard, and the Islanders’ Micheal Haley. Even though it was a draw, it sparks the hope that maybe we’re seeing the emergence of a new class of heavyweights, ones to channel the passion of the legends of old. One can only hope—unless your name is Rick.

A Special Mock Mock All-Star Game Draft.

The best thing to hit Raleigh since the lifting of the 1897 boysenberry
jam prohibition.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

This year's All-Star game boasts a schoolyard style draft selection between Red Wings captain Nick Lidstrom and Hurricanes captain Eric Staal. With hockey analysts everywhere holding their own mock drafts, I present to you Hockey Net Blog's mock mock draft.

With Martin St. Louis, Mike Green, Patrick Kane and Ryan Kesler already assigned to their teams, let's conduct the rest of our draft and find out which elite specimen of professional human athletics can be made to feel inadequate by being chosen last.

Coin Toss: Let’s assume Lidstrom wins the toss because he has Jedi powers.

Team Lidstrom: First overall, Niklas Lidstrom selects Staal’s teammate Cam Ward just to mind-fuck Staal, because that’s probably the kind of subtle asshole he is.

Team Staal: Following that, Staal is forced to pick his only remaining teammate, rookie Jeff Skinner, so as to not look like a jerkoff in front of the hometown fans.

Team Lidstrom: Lidstrom goes off the board here and picks a Swede, a Sedin. Nick just calls out “Sedin” and lets the more assertive of the two step forward—not that it matters, let’s say it’s Daniel. 

Team Staal: Eric counters by picking Henrik next knowing the Sedins will basically cancel each other out because neither one can function as an independent unit.

Team Lidstrom: Henrik Lundqvist, not because he’s Swedish, because they’re both Sagittariuses.

Team Staal: Jonathan Toews burns a hole through Staal’s face with that serious stare of his, Staal buckles.

Team Lidstrom: Steven Stamkos, you can’t resist that adorable pre-pubescent face.

Team Staal: Patrick Sharp—with Staal’s next selection Toews picks Sharp.

Team Lidstrom: Patrick Elias—chosen only under the stipulation that Lidstrom’s getting 2001 Patrick Elias. 

Team Staal: Alex Ovechkin—so Eric will finally have someone to finish his passes.

Team Lidstrom: At this point, Zdeno Chara threatens to eat Daniel Briere if he isn’t picked next. Lidstrom doesn’t have the stomach for violence, he abides.

Team Staal: Danny Briere—to keep him away from Chara. 

Team Lidstrom: Corey Perry—in hopes there’s a slash-off at the skills competition.

Team Staal: Eric selects Marc Staal and as he steps forward Eric yells, “psych!” and chooses Loui Eriksson instead because older brothers are assholes.

Team Lidstrom: Marc Staal is then called on out of pity.

Team Staal: Remembering that defence is part of the game too, he names Shea Weber.

Team Lidstrom; Nicklas chooses Paul Statsny but mistakenly refers to him as “Peter” because he’s old.

Team Staal: Dustin Byfuglien—crash the net and mix it up in the crease, good all-star game strategy.

Team Lidstrom: Joe Thornton—he was practically built for the all-star game, plus he’s not going to win anything else.

Team Staal: Rick Nash—because he loves how Nash handles in NHL 11.

Team Lidstrom: Erik Karlsson steps forward begging his childhood idol, Lidstrom, to select him.

Team Staal: Anze Kopitar—to fulfill his Slovenian player quota.

Team Lidstrom: Lidsy invites Anaheim Ducks rival and goaltender Jonas Hiller so he can “hang him out to dry” back there if he feels like it. 

Team Staal: Duncan Keith—Staal can’t understand a word Keith says but he likes his style.

Team Lidstrom: Carey Price—to serenade the dressing room with his golden pipes and country music ballads.

Team Staal: Tim Thomas—just to see if he’ll lose his shit in the breakaway competition.

Team Lidstrom: Matt Duchene—he's been practicing all year for the skills competition’s dance off.

Team Staal: Brent Burns—Eric also extends his invite to a warm meal indoors, a shave and shower.

Team Lidstrom: Keith Yandle—Staal doesn’t know who he is because he plays in the west for the Coyotes, advantage Lidstrom.

Team Staal: Marc-Andre Fleury—for some good comic relief on and off the ice.  

Team Lidstrom: Martin Havlat, he's favoured to win the “getting injured” portion of the skills comp.

Team Staal: Claude Giroux—he’s the only Flyer Staal can stand.

Team Lidstrom: Phil Kessel—Lidstrom wants him to play for a real team.

Team Staal: Brad Richards—in case the game goes to O.T, or to P.E.I.

Team Lidstrom: Kris Letang—not because Lidstrom’s looking for an offensive defenceman, but rather it’s an excellent opportunity to ask Letang to nab Crosby’s autograph, (“it’s for my kids, honestly.”)

Team Staal: Dan Boyle—A goal scoring threat at both ends of the rink, wise choice.

Team Lidstrom: David Backes—because someone has to be last and be an all-star in St. Louis.

NHL and HBO collaborate on new 24/7 features

24/7: Ruutu participates in a bizarre vampire ritual. 

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

LOS ANGELES — Today the NHL announced further plans to produce new episodes in the 24/7 series, bringing HBO’s dramatic, cutting-edge programming across the league.

“In order to boost our television ratings, we wanted the 24/7 spinoffs to emulate the same drama and story-lines that have made HBO such a successful network,” stated NHL Commissioner, Gary Bettman.  

Production is already underway on the two latest chapters: one chronicles the Kostitsyn brothers and Roman Hamrlik as they “slash and burn” their way through the seedy Belorussian underworld, and the other—the NHL’s version of “Entourage”—explores the tumultuous relationship between Sidney Crosby’s agent Pat Brisson and Crosby’s raucous, Cole Harbour lobster fishing buddies.              

“We want our fans to see that our players aren’t one-dimensional caricatures, they’re people with complex personal lives who have to individual problems and challenges ripe for reality television exploitation,” commented Vice-President of Hockey Operations, Colin Campbell. 

To capitalize on the success of HBO’s True Blood, cameras will also document the plight of Ottawa Senators forward and vampire Jarkko Ruuto as he lusts for the cup and human blood, fighting and biting his way through the eternity of the Sens’ 2011 season. 

Plans are in the works for still more, including a dissection of life as a suburban neighbourhood drug-dealer starring Jason Spezza, juxtaposed against the lavish, promiscuous culture of New York fashionista and Vogue intern Sean Avery.   

“The NHL needs to be sexier,” stated HBO President, Gerald Levin. “If American audiences aren’t going to be riveted by watching hockey, then we should at least be melodramatizing its story-lines.”

Another part of the NHL’s shift towards modern programming includes an edgier and uncensored reformatting of Coach’s Corner for a late-night audience, as a Valentino-clad Don Cherry, casually reclined amidst a set of contemporary decor, will dialogue about the NHL’s latest topics.

The new 24/7 episodes will debut on HBO and nhl.com in May.