Atlanta Thrashers — June 25, 1997 - May 31, 2011

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It is with great sadness that we note the passing of the Atlanta Thrashers, defunct suddenly at the Phillips Arena, on Tuesday, May 31, 2011. The Thrashers were cherished by loving parents the Atlanta Spirit Organization until they realized the actual cost of raising a chronic problem-child and shipped it out to Winnipeg. The Thrashers were also the beloved siblings of the Lightning, Capitals, Panthers, and Hurricanes. Sadly, the Thrashers left behind approximately 12,000 children, who visited infrequently and often only because the Braves were shitty, or Michael Vick was imprisoned. They will be fondly remembered for drafting Patrik Stefan, a logo that looked like throw-up, and making the playoffs only once—despite playing in the NHL’s remedial division. The Thrashers were truly a precious gift to the league’s other 29 teams. Friends will be received at the MTS Centre at 300 Portage Avenue, Winnipeg where a bylaw-scoffing street party will blaze for weeks. As an expression of sympathy, in lieu of flowers donations to the Winnipeg season ticket drive would be greatly appreciated.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

Steven Stamkos really Brett Hull incognito

Hull doing his best Stamkos impersonation.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

TAMPA BAY — Tampa Bay Lightning general manager Steve Yzerman confirmed rumors today that Brett Hull has been scoring goals under the guise of young Lightning player Steven Stamkos.

Yzerman confessed that last year he asked Hull, his former Red Wings teammate, for a favour, explaining that the Bolts needed some offensive help as Stamkos was still developing. Hull, the current Stars’ Executive Vice President admitted he wasn’t busy, and agreed to suit up for Yzerman in a Stamkos jersey.

Concerning how much playing time Stamkos actually received, Yzerman responded, “Steven actually plays about twelve minutes a game, even strength, chipping in here and there. We only use Hull on the powerplay because he’s still got a great shot, also his contract stipulates no skating.”

Lightning coach Guy Boucher elaborated on the unique terms of Hull’s request, “Technically, [Hull] doesn’t have to move under his own power. If you look closely beneath the XXL jersey, he’s actually just sitting on an old GT Snowracer, then St. Louis lugs him off the ice during commercial.”

As for his own involvement with the Lightning organization, Brett Hull was quoted as saying,

When asked why the Bolts didn’t simply announce Brett Hull’s return to the NHL, Yzerman replied, ”For the local Tampa market, we had to create the illusion that Stamkos was already a star, and Brett didn’t want to lose his cushy VP job in Dallas. So, we just threw a pound of makeup on him.”

The Lightning franchise has launched a city-wide outdoor advertising campaign hailing Stamkos as the next Vincent LeCavalier — only better. However, in Tampa, the promotion hasn’t sparked much additional excitement and inclined many Floridians to ask, “Who’s Le Cavaleer?”

“One-timers used to be my thing, now Marty won’t even pass to me. We used to be a duo, like Yogi and Boo Boo,” griped LeCavalier, who's seen his scoring diminish since "Hull-kos" joined the team.

Though LeCavalier is out four-to-six weeks with hurt feelings, Tampa has been cruising along, earning wins in their last four games. They currently sit fourth place in the Eastern Conference standings.

Hull goes undercover again Wednesday versus the Rangers.