Coyotes bought by kindly old Medicine Hat couple

Under the Wilkinsons, the
Coyotes are now officially a
"Mom and Pop operation."

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

PHOENIX — The NHL announced today that the Phoenix Coyotes franchise has been purchased by elderly Medicine Hat couple, the Wilkinsons, for approximately just over ninety-eight thousand dollars.

On Tuesday, the Wilkinsons dipped into their life savings, outbidding all other potential Coyotes investors. The sixty-seven-year-old couple say they have no previous corporate management experience, except the local confectionary they’ve run since 1963.

“We think it’s just swell that Mr. Bettman was kind enough to sell us the Coyotes,” said Mr. Wilkinson. “What a nice man,” added Mrs. Wilkinson. “Don’t let their sweet disposition fool you, behind closed doors, [the Wilkinsons] play hardball,” commented NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman.”

Just days ago, PEAK6 Investments CEO Matthew Hulsizer was considered the NHL’s dream investor, primed to swoop in and purchase the Coyotes. Sources confirm Hulsier attended a team practice and was never heard from again.

Entrepreneurial sports mogul Jerry Reinsdorf was also once thought to the NHL’s newest owner, as his supposed partnership with the league grew last year until it was revealed Reinsdorf thought the Coyotes were an MLS franchise.

With the purchase, the Wilkinsons stated they “don’t want to cause a stir” and will enact a only few small changes. However, they have informed Coyotes coach Dave Tippet that their ten-year-old grandson, Cody, is to play first-line centre alongside captain Shane Doan and winger Ray Whitney. “It’s always been Cody’s dream to play in the NHL, and this is as close as we can get him,” said Mrs Wilkinson.”

Coyotes players say it’s been a seamless transition around Jobing.com Arena, “We’ve hardly noticed any difference, aside from the doilies adorning the dressing room and the snack bowls of Bridge Mix,” explained defenceman Ed Jovanovski.

Other new team policies the couple have instituted will see the Coyotes sport new wool jerseys, crocheted by Mrs. Wilkinson herself, while fresh chocolate chip cookies and milk will await the Coyotes—and their opponents—after every game.

When asked if they would be making any trades to boost the Coyotes from tenth place in the Western Conference, Mr. Wilkinson replied, “It’s not important who wins, as long as the boys have fun.”

The Coyotes will be ready and snug on Thursday night versus the Sharks.

Invertebrate Tim Thomas league’s leading goaltender

Thomas gets himself into position to make the save.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

BOSTON — Boston Bruins goaltender Tim Thomas has bested all NHL goaltenders in shutouts, save percentage and goals against average this season, and doing so without a solid backbone.

While playing in Finland during the 2004 NHL lockout, Thomas recently revealed he underwent surgery to remove his spine which doctor’s claimed would allow him to contort his body in new ways, increasing his overall flexibility.

Yet, during the 2009-2010 season Thomas struggled, often losing his positioning and generally unable to stand upright for long periods of time. Thomas eventually lost his job to backup Tuukka Rask.

Fueled by his fierce competitiveness and gambling debts, Thomas spent the offseason re-inventing himself around an “angry octopus” thrashing style of goaltending and is currently the leading Vezina trophy candidate.

The Bruins goalie demonstrated his new approach two weeks ago, when he dove across the crease to steal a goal from Toronto’s Francois Beauchemin. The effort has already been dubbed the “save of the year.”

“I saw Beauchemin with a wide open cage, so naturally I dislocated my left shoulder and collarbone to slither across and make the save,” said Thomas.

However, Thomas’ condition has not come without consequence, most notably a nasty temper often displayed in the form of broken goalie sticks and in the case of Bruins forward Marco Sturm, a torn ACL. Bruins captain Zdeno Chara reflected on Thomas’ physiological state, “I think he’s mostly cartilage now.”

“Tim’s adapting well to a completely new lifestyle,” commented coach Claude Julien on
Thomas’ hasty post-game exits. “Prolonged exposure outside of his saltwater regeneration tank will render him dehydrated and crusty — that’s why we bring him in as quick as possible,” finished Julien.

The Bruins netminder stated he’s making an effort to contain his composure this season and so far Thomas has guided the Bruins one win back of the division leading Canadiens.

Teammates say “Movember stache” changed Leafs’ Brown

Brown: the meanest sonovabitch in 30 counties?

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

TORONTO — Teammates claim Maple Leafs forward Mike Brown’s mustache had an adverse effect on his personality.

Brown and several other Leafs players participated in “Movember” to raise prostate cancer awareness. Brown’s Mustache quickly became a popular attraction, piquing the interest of media and fans alike.

However, teammates witnessed a rapid transformation from his once good-natured character into a brooding, boorish maverick. The Leafs attribute Brown’s depravity to his 19th century, western-inspired mustache.

“Mike was the nicest guy in the room, now he just sits by himself slamming shots of bourbon, dealing 5-card stud,” said forward Kris Versteeg.

Players and coaches are at a loss to explain the reasoning behind Brown’s condition. They remain concerned, yet the team says no one has tried to confront Brown.

“Everyone’s too afraid of him,” voiced centre Tyler Bozak, “He even put up his own ‘wanted dead or alive poster’ in the room and dared us to take him down.”

Leafs general manager Brian Burke told the media that Brown will be sitting down with the team’s psychiatrist. However, the organization remains deeply concerned as new incidents—including Brown’s continual reference to Toronto as “Dodge City,” and insistence on being paid in silver dollars—continue to persist.

When reporters asked Brown about his unusual conduct and why he believes the officials are, in fact, “sheriffs,” he barked, “What’s it to you, vermin?”

The Leafs stated they first recognized the problem in mid November when Brown started spitting chewing tobacco from the bench. Then the right winger took to the ice with spurs on his skates during the second period of a game versus the Stars.

Opposing players, or “outlaws” according to Brown, say they, too, are aware of the player’s transformation. New York Rangers enforcer Derek Boogaard quoted Brown claimed that “this city isn’t big enough for the both of us” before challenging Boogaard to a street fight at “high noon.” And Atlanta Thrashers captain Andrew Ladd revealed that prior to an opening face-off, Brown kept referring to the Thrashers’ Phillips Arena as a “ghost town.”

While management decides how to best handle the situation, some believe Brown’s condition may run it’s course, while others suggest it will eventually consume him in a fiery blaze of glory.

As Brown declares "Mocember" to be in full effect, the Leafs can only hope.

Steven Stamkos really Brett Hull incognito

Hull doing his best Stamkos impersonation.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

TAMPA BAY — Tampa Bay Lightning general manager Steve Yzerman confirmed rumors today that Brett Hull has been scoring goals under the guise of young Lightning player Steven Stamkos.

Yzerman confessed that last year he asked Hull, his former Red Wings teammate, for a favour, explaining that the Bolts needed some offensive help as Stamkos was still developing. Hull, the current Stars’ Executive Vice President admitted he wasn’t busy, and agreed to suit up for Yzerman in a Stamkos jersey.

Concerning how much playing time Stamkos actually received, Yzerman responded, “Steven actually plays about twelve minutes a game, even strength, chipping in here and there. We only use Hull on the powerplay because he’s still got a great shot, also his contract stipulates no skating.”

Lightning coach Guy Boucher elaborated on the unique terms of Hull’s request, “Technically, [Hull] doesn’t have to move under his own power. If you look closely beneath the XXL jersey, he’s actually just sitting on an old GT Snowracer, then St. Louis lugs him off the ice during commercial.”

As for his own involvement with the Lightning organization, Brett Hull was quoted as saying,

When asked why the Bolts didn’t simply announce Brett Hull’s return to the NHL, Yzerman replied, ”For the local Tampa market, we had to create the illusion that Stamkos was already a star, and Brett didn’t want to lose his cushy VP job in Dallas. So, we just threw a pound of makeup on him.”

The Lightning franchise has launched a city-wide outdoor advertising campaign hailing Stamkos as the next Vincent LeCavalier — only better. However, in Tampa, the promotion hasn’t sparked much additional excitement and inclined many Floridians to ask, “Who’s Le Cavaleer?”

“One-timers used to be my thing, now Marty won’t even pass to me. We used to be a duo, like Yogi and Boo Boo,” griped LeCavalier, who's seen his scoring diminish since "Hull-kos" joined the team.

Though LeCavalier is out four-to-six weeks with hurt feelings, Tampa has been cruising along, earning wins in their last four games. They currently sit fourth place in the Eastern Conference standings.

Hull goes undercover again Wednesday versus the Rangers.