Geoff Molson to buy MLSE

Molson drunkenly explains his nefarious plan.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

TORONTO—Montreal Canadiens owner and beer tycoon Geoffrey Molson announced the purchase of MLSE, (Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment Ltd.) at a press conference this morning.

Molson’s acquisition of the Media corporation’s sixty-six percentage share establishes him as its majority owner, thus making him, perhaps, the most powerful individual in the Leafs’ organization.

Opponents of the sale claim there’s a fundamental conflict of interest in allowing an individual to possess two league franchises and cannot fathom why the NHL would agree to the sale. Commissioner Gary Bettman responded curtly, “If it’s not happening in Phoenix then I don’t give a shit!”

With two-thirds ownership, Molson’s boardroom votes dominate. He can virtually pass anything he proposes—and he has. Behind closed doors, Molson has already worked to dismantle the Board of Directors, ousting MLSE Chairman Larry Tanenbaum, and President and CEO, Richard Peddie—naming himself as their successor.

Molson was questioned as to whether he had plans to run the Maple Leafs himself, or if he would simply manage the financial and entertainment dealings. Molson responded, “Oh, I’ll run them alright, straight into the ground!” and proceeded to laugh manically, perched by a simulated fireplace in his new corporate office overlooking Toronto’s Financial District where, according to Molson, “the vile groundlings toil below.”

Molson, who was mildly disfigured in an accidental vat explosion as a child, is beginning to make his sinister intentions reality. Sources are saying all Leafs ticket prices will suddenly skyrocket to one million dollars per person, and that televised Leafs games will be blacked-out in the Toronto area.

Furthermore, Molson will abort Air Canada’s naming rights to the ACC and terminate their sponsorship in favour of renaming the arena the “Harold Ballard Forever Centre.” Molson has also vowed to change the Leafs iconic blue and white jerseys to a fluorescent yellow and green horizontal stripe pattern atop plaid. The famous Leafs crest will be replaced with a silhouette of Don Cherry and Doug Gilmour locked in a passionate embrace while giving the thumbs up.

To Toronto’s upper-crust that can still afford tickets, the HBF Centre will only provide Molson Kick on tap, while before every game, the national anthem will be attempted to be sung in French by Ashley Simpson with backup band Simple Plan. Additional arena modifications include stripping it of its seats and installing opaque plexiglass.

Molson also has plans to fire Leafs' GM Brian Burke and reinstating former manager John Ferguson Jr., and arrange the ceremonious jersey retirement of former Leafs Aki Berg and Dmitri Kristich.

Analysts estimate that over a six-month span, Molson’s sabotage would plummet MLSE’s enterprise value from 1.75 billon dollars down to a meager forty-three thousand, and render its brand equity virtually worthless.