Panthers strike, say they won’t report to playoffs.

Florida may no longer be the hockey-topia we thought it was.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

MIAMI—At nine o’clock this morning, the Florida Panthers players orchestrated a work stoppage. The team is refusing to practice at the Sunrise Retirement and Vitality Resort, the coastal suburban seniors residence and arena at which they play.

Veteran forward and Panthers Worker Coalition Association representative Marty Reasoner confirmed the statement. He affirms that the players will not report to the remaining four regular season games or the playoffs—despite not being eligible.

“Seventy-eight games is enough, the oppression will go no further,” shouted a megaphone-holding Reasoner. Meanwhile, David Booth spray-painted “To hell with the playoffs!” on the windows of the team bus.

All thirty-three players assembled in the arena parking lot, picketing and chanting awkwardly rhymed slogans. Including "Hey hey—ho ho! Florida Panther's management needs to wake up and realize they can't take advantage of us anymo'!" and "The Panthers! United! Will never be defeated!"

A group of onlookers watched in perplexity as an effigy of Stanley C. Panther, team mascot, burned. “Stanley was a symbol of tyranny and injustice! We will not let him and the Panthers' organization debase us any longer!”

The Panthers players have filed numerous grievances against management and the NHL. Players have cited extensive workplace violations, demanding fair compensation and improved working conditions.

Forward Rostislav Olesz, who suffered a minor knee injury in February, was denied worker’s compensation and was advised by head coach Peter De Boer simply to “suck it up and play.” Olesz was unable to, as the injury likely required surgery. Instead, Olesz was replaced, or “refreshed,” by Panthers management with the younger and lesser paid scab, Evgeny Dadonov.

Centre Stephen Weiss complained that he routinely works triple shifts without receiving overtime pay. “Coach puts me out every chance he gets, I play forty minutes a game! I say I can’t do it and he tells me, ‘if you don’t, I’ll make you captain.’”

“I’m so tired, half the time I don’t even realize I’m shadowing Samsonov.”

Furthermore, goaltender Tomas Vokoun grieved that the sloppy nature of the Panthers’ defence corps constituted unfair working conditions. “I have to stop fifty shots a game, I’m forced to twist around in abnormal ways,” commented Vokoun, ”I’ve been here four years and [management] hasn’t done a thing about it.”

Panthers general manager, Dale Tallon, denies any wrongdoing on the organization’s part. Tallon claims if the players aren’t willing to honour their duties and report to work, the Panthers will hire area high school players, and that to ticketholders the difference would be trivial.