Sens auditioning new heartthrobs after Fisher’s departure

To Sens fans, Fisher's voice sounds like unicorns puking rainbows.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

Ottawa—In the throes of the Mike Fisher trade that sent the Senators’ Adonis to Nashville, rendering Ottawa women everywhere emotionally void, the organization is left to decide who can step forward as the team’s next dreamboat.

“In the next couple days we’re staging auditions in the form of a pageant contest and talent show. It’s anybody’s best guess at this point.” commented Sens’ GM Bryan Murray.

Long the Sens’ sole monthly calender pin-up, Mike Fisher was sent to Nashville for a 2011 first round draft pick and a 2012 conditional selection—leaving the "face of the organization” position vacant.

Murray says it’s all part of the “hunk rebuilding plan,” “We’re going to take a good long look at the prospects this spring—no one’s really emerged as a number one yet. Our scouts are searching for the right combination of bone structure, complexion, eye colour and jawline definition before coming to a decision. Basically, we want the “McConaughey” that’s right for us, then we can build a new core of man-babes around him.”

“I ordered some new baby blue contacts so maybe I’ll have a shot,” said defenceman Jesse Winchester, “at least until I can get facial reconstructive surgery in the offseason.”

With Fisher gone, the Senators’ female fan attendance has plummeted. “It’s a medisterpølse fest out there,” said Danish forward Peter Regin, “Why am I even trying?” The Senators have already ruled out forwards Alex Kovalev, Chris Kelly, and Jarkko Ruuto, as well as defenceman Chris Campoli. Longtime Senator Chris Phillips was also considered too ugly until Murray re-signed “dirty uncle” to a three year contract.

The frontrunner could be the newly acquired Marek Svatos, a free agent pickup fresh off the runways of Slovakia. Still young, Svatos has been chronically injured throughout his career and the Sens’ management has mandated he wear a full face shield at all times. “We’ve got an investment to protect [in Svatos] and we can’t afford to have his mug end up like Nick Foligno’s,”explained coach Cory Clouston.

With the glory days of Fisher-fever behind them, the field is wide open for new blood to swoop in and steal the hearts of Ottawans. Pageant and talent show tickets can be pre-ordered at ottawasenators.com