Thursday, October 28, 2010

Taylor Hall making progress in NHL 11 Be a Pro mode

Hall has to work up the ranks — even if he is on
the cover.

Blair Charboneau, Hockey Net

EDMONTON — Oilers GM Tambellini has assigned struggling rookie Taylor Hall to work his way through the EA Sports NHL 11 Be a Pro mode. The Oilers are hoping EA’s popular hockey simulation game can further the development of their 18-year-old prospect.

“We’re going to monitor his Memorial Cup and AHL progress. Eventually, we hope Hall can put up good virtual numbers at the “All-star” setting and play his way onto a top-six role with us, explained Oilers coach Tom Renney.”

Although Oilers Fans' expectations might be somewhat unrealistic for the 2010 first-rounder, Hall has only one assist in seven games so far and has since seen his ice-time diminish and is doing his best to deal with NHL 11 setbacks.

“Well I had to restart a few times because the Oilers kept passing me over on draft day, and that prick Taylor Chorney stole my number. Then the OKC Barons wouldn’t put me on the powerplay so I asked for a trade, but things are getting better,” said Hall.

The Oilers remain confident Hall will steadily move up the NHL 11 ranks and into a larger role with the club.

“We’ve asked Taylor to be patient, stick with the game, and stop trying to fight people after the whistle,” commented Oilers assistant coach Kelly Buchberger.

Hall is working hard to show his commitment to the team, and is already starting to see some results.

“Actually, I just got called up to the NHL. I’m only rated 75 overall and playing nine minutes on the fourth line, but my positional score is strong, said Hall, adding,
The Oilers must be content to see Hall grinding it out, taking nothing for granted, and Hall will likely see more playing time soon enough once Hemsky gets injured.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Bionically rebuilt Markov may see action Friday (UPDATED)

Markov-7900 erroneously checks for the serial
number on a young human male.

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

MONTREAL — Montreal Canadiens defenceman Andrei Markov could return to the Habs’ lineup Friday night after undergoing an experimental and revolutionary operation to repair a torn ACL he suffered during the second round of the 2010 playoffs.

“Basically we bionically reconstructed his ACL, knees, and ankles, then grafted his muscles to a synthetic titanium alloy frame. We also reinforced his shoulders so he can finally start body checking.” explained GM Pierre Gauthier.

Markov cannot return soon enough for the Canadiens’ struggling powerplay. Andrei is practicing with the team, however doctors and Canadian Space Agency scientists still need to run a few more tests.

“We’re not sure if Markov can sweat anymore. We need to monitor the effect any perspiration might have on his circuitry,” said team leader and head scout Trevor Timmons.

Some have raised concerns regarding how long the new Markov engine can go without lagging or even crashing under the duress of an NHL season.

“Markov’s running smoothly. Everything’s connected to his new central nervous system— an Intel Itanium 9300 processor,” said assistant coach Muller, “And Jacques can perform cerebral overrides manually from the bench whenever he needs to. We’ve even programmed French into Andrei’s language drive.”

No one doubts Markov’s value to the Canadiens, but Montreal media has criticized the Habs for investing this much in a single player, and have demanded to know the cost of such a radical operation.

“Well, I’m not going to get into specifics, but let’s just say it’s about eight Gomezes," commented Gauthier.

And it still remains to be seen how the revamped Markov will gel with his old teammates.

Defenceman Jaroslav Spacek confessed to Hockey Net,
Spacek isn’t the only one, and there are rumours surrounding the Canadiens camp as to what sort of Frankenstein Markov has become. Nevertheless, only time will tell.

The Canadiens expect to roll-out “Markov-7900” Friday against the Islanders.

UPDATE: Markov-7900 may be in dire need of repairs or replacement parts following a collision with Eric Staal in the third period of the Habs/Canes match up of November 13, 2010.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Sens GM to shake things up, trade Alfie

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net
Sens GM Murray asks a ref what's wrong with his team.

OTTAWA — Ottawa Senators GM Bryan Murray told reporters today that would will trade the team’s most accomplished player, lifelong Senator Daniel Alfredsson to send his club a message.

“I’ll do it, don’t think I won’t — just try me” snapped Bryan “The Brain” Murray to reporters.

Although the Sens’ lackluster play has sent them to the basement of their division, one would assume that team captain and fan favourite, Daniel Afredsson would be the only Senator with job security — especially after recently recording his 1,000th career point. Bryan Murray feels differently.

“I don’t care if he has 2000 points. This team needs a wake-up call, and trading our franchise player is the best way to reinforce that I’m the General Manager.

Trade speculation has been growing around the Senators, and the pressure mounting on Murray as his off-season pick-ups, Gonchar and Kovalev, haven’t lived up to expectations. Murray’s options remain limited.

“Who else am I going to trade, Fisher? I can’t, even just the thought of it feels like sin. No — barring an Alfredsson trade, I don’t know how else to scare this team straight — unless I bring back Redden,” said Murray.

The backlash from Senators fans has reached dangerous new heights. They are threatening to start an online petition with the intent of blocking a potential Alfredsson trade.

Ottawa Senators owner Eugene Melnyk weighed-in from his Barbados home,
Eagles or not, Murray will run out of patience if the Senators “Take it Easy” against the Coyotes Tonight.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Adam Burish apologizes to incompetent NHL 11 gamer

A gamer known only as Alex sent the following email to Adam Burish to request a public apology for the actions of the Stars' video game likeness.
From: alex [last name withheld]
Sent: Saturday, October 16, 2010 3:12 PM
To: starsfeedback@dallasstars.com
Subject: #16 Adam BURISH
I was recently playing a game of EA Sports NHL 11. I was down by one goal against my friend, I was on a 2 on 0 and was impeded by #16 Adam Burish, and was unable to achieve a scoring opportunity, I ask that Adam Burish publicly apologizes to me for he had cost me that game of NHL 11. Thank you for you cooperation during this crisis.
Sincerely,
Alex
Burish, a class act, responded by video:




[Source]

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Pavelec Must Clear Mental Hurdle Of Playing For Thrashers Before Returning

Pavelec wears his old Sudbury Wolves gear.
Is he ready to hear the truth?

Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

ATLANTA — Goaltender Ondrej Pavelec is back practicing after being evaluated by team doctors earlier this week and expects to play soon — provided he clears one final mental evaluation.

“We still haven’t reminded him he plays for the Thrashers,” lamented head coach Craig Ramsay.

After collapsing on the ice during the first game of the season, the Thrashers’ net-minder was told by team doctors that he suffered a “fainting spell.” However, Pavelec was reassured to hear the experience is “relatively common among players in blasé hockey markets” and “usually doesn’t reoccur too often.”

“It having been the home opener, with flashing lights, loud music, and murmurs of the few hundred fans, we think reality sunk in and Ondrej’s subconscious hit the eject button,” explained long-time Thrasher Jim Slater.

Meanwhile the team has been wearing logo-less, white jerseys to practice, covered up all Thrashers paraphernalia at the arena, and instituted a complete media blackout for Pavelec. Atlanta’s goalie coach, Clint Malarchuk, offered further analysis,
Malarchuk can empathize with Pavelec’s on-ice crisis, after he tried to take his own life with a skate in 1989, driven to despair as a Buffalo Sabre.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Exclusive: Sens Discipline Neil Following Incidents of Locker Room Bullying (UPDATED)

#25 doing what he does best.
Hockey Net Exclusive

OTTAWA — Senators GM Bryan Murray summoned Chris Neil to his office this morning, addressing concerns that bullying in the Sens’ locker room has become a serious issue. Since the season opener on October 8th, Cory Clouston has received several troubling calls from the parents of younger players on the roster, including rookie Zack Smith's mother.

Coach Clouston has reportedly reprimanded the team's enforcer, revoking his zamboni-riding privileges and grounding Neil to his hotel room on road trips.

The bullying reportedly began with the throwing of hockey tape, but quickly escalated to wedgies and noogies. Erik Karlsson came forward as another victim of Neil's merciless torment, citing an incident on Saturday as the reason for breaking his silence. He had witnessed Neil giving Smith a "swirly" during the second intermission of Saturday's game against the Habs.

"An enforcer is supposed to look out for the guys on his team, not victimize them," Karlsson bravely asserted during an interview following Monday’s game against the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Mike Fisher reportedly advised the young guns to "turn the other cheek," but Smith's mother countered that the boys needed to stand up for themselves or else Neil would "never learn."

When captain Daniel Alfredsson caught wind of the allegations he issued a simple statement,
 Alfie tells Hockey Net he had a chat with Neil, and has been assured that the bad behaviour will not continue. He added that no one should have to face a bully alone, "Zack Smith did the right thing by telling his mom. I urge anyone out there who is dealing with a bully to tell a trusted adult."

Chris Neil was asked to apologize publicly, and complied, whining "sooorry!"

While the sincerity of Neil's statement is not evident, Clouston has sent a letter home to players' parents, assuring them that Neil's behaviour is being monitored, and that their boys are being looked after.

UPDATE: Zack Smith has been sent back to the Binghamton Senators, replaced by David Hale. [Oct. 20/10]

Monday, October 18, 2010

Stars’ Brunnstrom Conquers NHL, Sets Sights On AHL

Brunnstrom holds all the proof he'll ever need.
Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

DALLAS — Dallas Stars forward Fabian Brunnstrom announced Sunday he is abandoning the NHL to pursue his dream of skating a full season with the Texas Stars, Dallas’ AHL affiliate.

As a highly touted swedish prospect, Brunnstrom exploded onto the NHL scene in 2008 and joined an elite group by recording a hat-trick in his first game. Two years and 40 points later, Brunnstrom is leaving with no regrets and nothing left to prove.

“Towards the end I was just going through the motions. I wondered ‘what am I still doing here? What else can I accomplish?’ It’s time for a new challenge,” said Brunnstrom, adding “Now I know how Scott Niedermayer must have felt.”

Though the twenty five-year-old is leaving the Stars with a void at left wing, GM Joe Nieuwendyk wishes him the best of luck. “Fabian’s moving on to bigger and better things,” commented Nieuwendyk.

Growing up playing minor hockey in Jonstorp, Sweden, Brunnstrom’s aspirations of AHL prominence must have seemed like a pipe dream — until now. Brunnstrom expressed his excitement to finally play for the team he’s idolized since its 2009 inauguration.
Brunnstrom will only have to wait until Friday, when the Stars host the Lake Erie Monsters.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Leafs’ MacArthur On Pace For 102 Goals, Zero Friends

Clarke MacArthur tries to chat with standoffish
teammates Mikhail Grabovski and Fredrick
Sjostrom during practice on Sept. 19, 2010
Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

TORONTO — With five goals and one assist after four games, Maple Leafs winger Clarke MacArthur is currently projected to reach 102 goals, while only setting up his teammates a paltry 20 times. A fact not unrecognized by his fellow players.

An only child from Lloydminster, Alberta, MacArthur is not accustomed to playing well with others — perhaps explaining why he’s already been traded three times in the span of four years.

“Oh he’s on pace alright...to be a selfish asshole.” quipped line-mate Mikhail Grabovski.

And the Belorussian centre isn’t the only one who has a bone to pick with MacArthur.

“The only pass I got from him was a blocked shot that came off a skate,” expressed winger Nikolai Kulemin, adding,
However, Leafs’ coach Ron Wilson sees the upside, “I’m thinking about just making him our entire second line, that way I can spread out the scoring.”

MacArthur will have his chance to make amends Monday as the Leafs host the Islanders.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Anaheim Ducks Slated To Open Line Of MMA Dojos

George Parros performs a wicked textbook takedown on WIllie Mitchell.
Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

ANAHEIM — The Anaheim Ducks are expected to announce the opening of their new Mixed Martial Arts studio line later this week.

“Ducks Dojos” will hit Anaheim and the Orange County region in an effort to give back to the community, while helping provide players of all skill levels with the basic fundamentals of Ducks’ hockey.

“We wanted to familiarize our current and up-and-coming players with the essential Judo, Jiu-Jitsu, and Muay Thai backgrounds they’ll need to play under our system.” explained Ducks’ GM Bob Murray.

With a 1-3 record thus far, Anaheim is off to a slow start this season and currently sit last place in the West. The Ducks are struggling to beat opponents on the scoreboard but are eager to make up for it with intensity.

When asked to comment, captain Ryan Getzlaf told Hockey Net,
The Ducks have also hired MMA fighter Quinton "Rampage" Jackson as the newest bench coach. “Rampage is a highly experienced and fierce fighter who demands the highest compete level from our guys,” said coach Randy Carlyle.

“We just want to keep it simple: get the puck in deep, grapple the D into a submissive hold and force the takedown” added winger Cory Perry.

The Ducks will go “no holds barred” Friday night against the Thrashers.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Isles’ Wisniewski Suspended For Demonstrating How To Eat Long Island Street Meat

Matt Moulson (left) expresses delight at James Wisniewski's charades
prowess as Sean Avery and two equally impressed officials look on.
Blair Charbonneau, Hockey Net

NEW YORK — New York Islanders defenceman James Wisniewski has been suspended two games for a gesture made during Monday's game against the New York Rangers.

During the first period, Wisniewski and Rangers’ forward Sean Avery were conversing near the Islanders’ goal; the discourse culminated with Wisniewski demonstrating the best way to eat one of Long Island’s famous franks.

Soon after the game, Colin Campbell, Director of Hockey Operations, handed down a
two-game suspension.

“I didn’t know Colin was vegetarian.” Wisniewski said to reporters, adding “I figured no one would notice at a home game.”

No stranger to controversy, Avery was grateful not to be on the receiving end of Campbell’s long “tofu-arm” of the law. When asked about the incident, Avery explained,
NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman was in attendance at the time, but told reporters he missed the incident because he was checking the over/under for the Heat game on his Blackberry.”

Wisniewski will be eligible to return on Saturday at home against the Colorado Avalanche.